Back in ancient times, when money existed (remember money?), I used to get all kinds of magical presents in the mail at work. Talking bobbleheads (bobble, Tommy Wiseau, bobble!), stuff I still use every day (holla, Time Traveler's Wife promotional blanket!), DVDs of movies I've actually heard of (no offense, local steampunk roller-derby slasher comedy!), literal baklava (thanks, Nia Vardalos PR machine!), and so on. Every day. All the time. Life was a dream.
Well, that dream is dead now. Over the past year or two, my mailbox has gradually but inexorably garbaged the fuck out—garbagier and garbagier!—so that now it's basically just a garbage-shaped garbage can overflowing with broken garbage cans (THAT'S DOUBLE GARBAGE). But one special company keeps me alive—one cadre of PR agents still ships me tasty treasures each and every week without fail. And that company is...............Lifetime: Television for Women. Oh, women. I knew you wouldn't let me down.
THEY. SEND. ME. EVERYTHING. At least one DVD per week. Every single new Lifetime Original Movie. Magic Beyond Words: The JK Rowling Story. Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy. The 19th Wife: Polygamy Can Be Murder. ALL OF IT IS MINE. Now, obviously, many before me have pontificated on the wonders of Lifetime Original Movies: The beatings. The rapings. The kidnappings. The cuttings. The husbands who are secret murderers. The wives who are secret ghosts. The husbands who are secretly kidnapped wives with fake beards who rape ghosts. But it deserves to be said again: THIS SHIT IS SOOOOOOOO GOOD.
Information: Even if you don't have cable, you can go to www.hulu.com/lifetime-movies where they have six Lifetime Origs available at all times, with a new one rotating in each week. Today I picked one at random—Proof of Lies, up for another 17 days!—and I will now "explain" the "plot."
In Proof of Lies, there's this pregnant scientist named Christine who works in a lab with her super-funky and alternative lab assistant. After Christine feeds some heroin to a junkie mouse, another bigger scientist comes clomping in and yells, "You did it! We got the funding for the science! All 40 million dollars!" Then everyone high-fives. Nailed it!!!
BUT!!!!! When the baby-swollen mouse-enabler gets home and makes her big science announcement, her husband Chuck goes, "FUCK YOU!!! I DO REAL ESTATE AND I HATE SCIENCE! BOOOOOOOO!!! I'M THE MAN AND I WEAR THE PENIS IN THIS FAMILY." Then Christine promptly has a miscarriage and does some erotic mountain biking. A man in a ski mask breaks into the lab and tries to hit her to death with a knife. She finds the ski mask outside and runs it through a science machine with some of her husband's hair. "BEEP-BOOP-BOOP-BOOP-BEEP-BOOP-BEEEEEEEP!" says the science machine, adding, "SUBJECT A: SKI MASK. SUBJECT B: CHUCK. 100% GENETIC MATCH!!!!!" At the end, there is a switcheroo. It was the erotic mountain biker all along!!! OR WAS IT? I love you, Lifetime.