BEEP! Greetings, Matisse. My name is Bob Jones. You can call me Mister Jones. I want to talk to you, so I give you permission to call my cell...

Okay...

Mister Jones gives me permission to call? Right. I suspect that what I've got here is a man who fancies himself a dominant. It's unusual, but I sometimes get male dominants asking if I'll do a session where I bottom to them. I'm not so insecure that I fly into a rage at the very suggestion, but the answer is no.

However, while I don't mind being asked, the manner of asking sometimes makes me roll my eyes. Mister Jones is speaking in a very rolling, ceremonious voice, like an old-time radio announcer. It's common for tops to drop into a slightly different rhythm and tone of voice when they're playing—or trying to seduce someone into playing. I often do so myself. The "jazz voice," a friend of mine calls it, meaning richer and huskier, and more deliberate. It's not usually a conscious thing, but one can certainly turn it on. And like every tool of seduction, you must deploy it in the right proportion and at the proper psychological moment. Too much, too soon—like Mr. Jones here—and you seem foolish.

The adage "don't kid a kidder" also springs to mind. I've had dominants hit on me using stock techniques like the fixed, burning stare and the domly dom voice. My mental response is always something like, "Wow, 10 points for the Severus Snape lip curl, but you need to work on raising that one eyebrow, since it kinda looks like you've got a tic or something." I work all those shticks myself—I'm unlikely to swoon when they're tried on me.

BEEP! My name is Bob. I'm a firefighter. I'm calling for professional reasons. I'm looking for information about this kink event [name deleted] you listed in your column. We may need to inspect it for safety reasons. Not to shut it down or anything—I don't have any problem with it—just safety reasons, really. So please call me back here at the fire station, and please be sure to ask for Bob.

Uh, since when do firemen need my permission for anything? Not that I'm even connected to the event he mentions. I simply wrote a blurb for the calendar—which included its address. So if they want to do a fire inspection, I would think they'd just go do it.

Because of that, I don't think this message is on the level. Sex workers sometimes get prank calls where someone leaves another person's name and phone number—often a business phone number. The idea is that the unknowing person will be confused and embarrassed by the callback, especially if the prankster is present and can somehow make it clear to others who's calling. I strongly suspect that's what's happening here. Naughty boys. I'd call them and scold them, but they'd just enjoy that. Maybe I should tell Mister Jones to do it.

THURSDAY 6/7

GRIND

The Wet Spot's kinky dance party: goth/industrial music, sex, and BDSM—with a younger, more style-conscious crowd. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746, info@wetspot.org, 9 pm—1:30 am, $10, membership required.

RAIN CITY JACKS ANNIVERSARY PARTY

Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, 7—10 pm (doors close at 8 pm), membership required.

FRIDAY 6/8

EROTIC CITY

Dance, play, socialize, and be sexual in a softer, swing-club atmosphere. This week, live music from the Pop Tarts. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746, info@wetspot.org, 9 pm—1:30 am, $15, Wet Spot membership or membership in a local swing or sex-positive organization required.

SUNDAY 6/10

G-SPOT 101

Babeland sex educators hand you the naked truth about the G-spot and female ejaculation. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7:30 pm, $30.

MONDAY 6/11

WOMEN'S WELCOMING COMMITTEE

A friendly discussion group for women of all orientations, the WWC meets monthly to answer questions and provide resources for women new to the Seattle BDSM/fetish community. Hot Dish, 2255 NE 65th St, www.wwcseattle.org, 7—9 pm, $3 suggested donation.

TUESDAY 6/12

POLYAMORY MEETUP GROUP

A casual social event for everyone who's interested in chatting about honest, open nonmonogamy in an accessible, family-friendly environment. Wayward Coffeehouse, 8570 Greenwood Ave N, polyamory.meetup.com/1, 7:30 pm, free.