I admit it; I'm one of those cold, unfriendly Seattle people you hear about.

Or at least that's how some people probably see me. In my view, I'm a kind, affectionate person who is simply defending herself against violations of her personal space and unwished-for intimacy with strangers. Just because someone is a kinky sexual outlaw doesn't mean she has no rules at all. Far from it.

However, that doesn't seem to be universally understood. The steady stream of new people flowing into the BDSM community is mostly a good thing, but it means I occasionally have to get severe about some basic points of kink-community etiquette. It used to be that it was so hard to find other kinky people (I'm talking pre-internet here, kids) that one bent over backward to impress them. But now, with the internet, you can apparently be rude and still get laid. Some days I want to spank Al Gore for inventing the damn thing.

So when I get frostier than a Minnesota winter on someone, it's my way of encouraging good manners. Want to see just how fast I can freeze you solid? Break the BDSM rule that says: Don't touch people you don't know. I don't mean, "Don't touch them sexually." I mean: Do not put your hands anywhere on my body without asking, period. I don't care if we are at the same party. If you're a total stranger, then paws off.

Two of the most recent violators of this rule were not creepy guys, but pretty women—which supports my "I can be rude and still get laid" theory. The first one, a tall slender woman dressed like a goth swinger, walked up to me at a large social event and said, "Nice catsuit, let me see the back." She then grabbed my elbow and attempted to physically turn me around. Apparently she mistook me for a mannequin on a swivel. I pulled my arm away and said, "See with your eyes, not with your hands."

She huffed impatiently. "I just wanted to see your outfit."

"Yeah, well, while I'm inside it, you should not touch it without asking me."

Five minutes later, a young woman displaying her ample cleavage in a satin corset slid up beside me. "Ooh, you're all shiny," she cooed, and began caressing my waist and back with both hands. I removed the hands and went through my "don't touch without permission" speech with a strong sense of déjà vu. She made puppy-dog eyes and pouted at me. "But people always let me when I ask, so...."

But she didn't ask me. I am charmed by people who demonstrate regard for my feelings. But when you show me, in the first 10 seconds of our interaction, that you're more concerned with what you want to do than how I might feel about it, then you're ruling yourself out of the "people I'd like to know better" category. Call me a cold Seattleite if you wish. Just don't try rubbing your warmth into me.

matisse@thestranger.com

Kink Calendar

FRIDAY 6/15

EROS EVENTS SWING PARTY

This Eastside swingers' group formerly known as Redmond Ranch has changed its name, but the parties keep swinging on. Single men must request to be added to the waiting list; couples and single women can just show up. Eros Events, 425-868-8169, www.redmond-ranch.com, 7 pm, new people must arrive by 8 pm, $45 for couples/$25 for single women.

MEN-ONLY NIGHT AT THE WET SPOT

Socialize, flirt, and do BDSM with the boys. All orientations welcome. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, men-only@wetspot.org, 10 pm—3 am, $15, members only, male ID required.

LITTLE RED LOUNGE

Erotic performances in a mellow, informal atmosphere, with a hot tub, hors d'oeuvres, and delicious desserts. Bring your own wine to sip and share. Tonight's theme: Pajama Party! Little Red Studio, 1506 Franklin Ave E, 328-4758, www.littleredstudioseattle.com, 9 pm, doors close at 1 am, $20/$10 if you're wearing pajamas.

SATURDAY 6/16

HAIKU WORKSHOP AT THE CEDAR RIVER WATERSHED

In Japan, haiku is the poetry of fall leaves, lonesome travelers, and drunken men contemplating the moon. In America, haiku is the poetry of pretentious Orientalist fuckwads. Join Michael Dylan Welch, editor of Tundra: The Journal of the Short Poem for a day of insufferable vagueness ("There's more to haiku—and less—than people think") masquerading as wisdom. The Cedar River Watershed Education Center, east of North Bend, 233-1515, pierre.labarge@seattle.gov, 9 am—4 pm, $45.

SINGLE-TAIL WHIP WORKSHOP

Techniques for developing intensity, accuracy, safety. No experience required. Loaner whips available. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, Building E, 270-9746, www.sensualwhipping.com, 2—5 pm, $20, membership not required, adult ID required.

SUNDAY 6/17

PARADISE POOL TIME

A clothing-optional "swim and be social" event at an indoor pool. The Longhouse in Redmond, 270-9746, pool@wetspot.org, noon—4 pm, $10, RSVP and Wet Spot membership required, members may bring adult guests.

GET YOUR FLIRT ON

Sex-toy experts and their savvy customers mingle for a night of flirting, dancing, and (hopefully) hooking up. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 7 pm, free.