Based on the sheer number of e-mails I get asking for career advice, I've decided I should create a new reality television show called America's Next Top Dominatrix.

(Yes, you and I know the phrase "top dominatrix" is redundant. But Mr. and Mrs. Middle America don't, so work with me.)

On ANTD, a group of women will be trained by me to become high-caliber dominatrices. Naturally, there will be the usual difficult/gross/uncomfortable competitions, followed by people being eliminated. I'm imagining something like this...

Week One: All the contestants are gathered in the castle—because it's got to be a castle, right, something extremely gothic? Either that or a warehouse in the Meatpacking District.

I'll make a dramatic entrance, preceded by thong-wearing slave boys throwing down rose petals for me to walk on. I'll introduce myself to the wannabes and then look them over with a sneer. Some of them will clearly be vanilla sex workers looking to expand their repertoire. At least one of them will have breast implants bigger than her head, which will make the flogging competition a struggle. Others will be "lifestyle" mistresses who want to start making a buck with their talents. They'll be less hot than the sex workers, but they'll obviously feel morally superior to them—we'll see right away that there are going to be some catfights between the two camps.

I'll explain to the contestants that while apparently every girl with black boots, a bitchy streak, and a yen for disposable income thinks she's got what it takes to be a good pro domme, I'm there to disabuse them of that notion. They are raw recruits; I am a drill sergeant, charged with making sure only the strong survive.

For the first challenge, we'll assemble the mistresses-in-training in a huge dungeon with a bewildering array of BDSM toys displayed on the walls, along with a dozen pieces of specialized bondage furniture. At my signal, one of the hunky slave boys would approach an MIT and say, "Mistress, I like soft thuddy impact on the sweet spot. But no marks." The MIT would then have to immediately select an appropriate toy—a suede flogger, in this case. She'd then have to position him on the right piece of equipment, which would be a spanking bench, with him bent over at the waist. And then she'd have to attack the right area, which is right where the inner curve of the ass meets the top of the thigh. She'd have to demonstrate the correct form and level of intensity, naturally. One whack on the kidneys and you're sunk.

Each MIT would be given a similar request—something fairly entry-level, but still requiring a modicum of skill and familiarity with BDSM terminology, because apparently a lot of people think that's optional.

I still have to think of a great tagline for the elimination scene. "You are the weakest kink—goodbye!" is cute, but it's been done. Or maybe a ceremony where I pass out riding crops to the week's winners? Yeah, that'll work. Now pardon me while I go call the network.

matisse@thestranger.com

Kink Calendar

THURSDAY 6/21

GRIND

Grind is the Wet Spot's kinky dance party: goth/industrial music, sex, and BDSM with a younger, more style-conscious crowd. Wet Spot, 1602 15th Ave W, building E, 270-9746, info@wetspot.org, 9 pm—1:30 am, $10, membership required.

THURSDAY 6/21

BABELAND SEX-ED SUMMER SCHOOL

In five mini workshops, you'll get a crash course on fellatio, cunnilingus, strap-ons, anal 101, and G-spot/female ejaculation. Open to all genders and orientations. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 6 pm, free.

FRIDAY 6/22

COLUMBIA CITY CABARET

This week's Pride-themed show features singer Amanda Brown, burlesque dancer Inga Ingénue, vocalists Detolvo and Ade, aerialist Lily Page, juggler Big Vaughn, and Mark the Magnificent on the mandolin, all hosted by Tamara the Trapeze Lady. Columbia City Theater, 4916 Rainier Ave S, 605-9920, www.trapezelady.com, 8 pm, $20, 21+.

THE EVE PROJECT

This artist treats objects like women: Elizabeth Kolb (member of the UMO Ensemble, owner of Cicada Bridal Shop) will put dresses on apple trees and let them "progress and decay in the environment for one year." Expect local hobos to don scraps from the latest bridal fashions. Point Robinson Park, SW Point Robinson Rd, Vashon Island, opening ceremony June 22, 7 pm.

CLASSIC LITTLE RED STUDIO

Little Red Studio is an intimate space for erotic performance art. Music, desserts, beverages, and a variety of sexy audience-participation performances. Little Red Studio, 750 Harrison St, 328-4758, www.littleredstudioseattle.com, 9 pm, $30, reservations recommended.

SATURDAY 6/23

UNDERWEAR PLAYHOUSE

Boys dancing in their scantiest skivvies. A clothes-check will be provided. Seattle Eagle, 314 E Pike St, 8 pm, 21+.

SUNDAY 6/24

RAIN CITY JACKS PRIDE PARTY

Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org, rc@raincityjacks.org, special Pride hours, 3—7 pm (doors close at 4 pm), membership required.