They'd like to. But to do so, they'd have to speak those desires out loud, to their partners. And they will not do this. The old tie-me-up, spank-me-and-fuck-me has gotten stale. But the cards say that they don't tell their partners what's on their minds.
Okay, I'm lying. I cannot read minds. And you know what? Neither can your partner. That's why, whether you're a beginner or a veteran pervert, you have to say what you want. And you have to say it with some detail, please.
Wrong: "I want to dominate you."
Right: "I want to dress you up in slutty clothes, tie your hands behind your back, and make you kneel down so I can use your mouth."
Wrong: "I want you to hurt me."
Right: "I'd really like it if you spanked me while we're having sex, and I love it when you pull my hair and pinch my nipples really hard."
The idea that you want to convey is this: "The sex we've been having is great, honey, but let's make it even better." (If the sex clearly hasn't been great, just be as tactful as you can.) Another great approach: "I'm so hot for you, all I do is think about nasty things we could do together." You get the idea--positive spin.
Stuck for a beginning? Try "I had a sexy dream about you last night." Your partner will, of course, say, "Yeah? What did I do?" And then you can tell him/her.
Warning: Unless your partner enjoys looking at porn, don't use commercial porn images to illustrate your fantasy. Porn is idealized, unreal--your partner may feel intimidated and inadequate, like he/she will never measure up. If you must use an example, written material works better. Looking for more help? I highly recommend Carol Queen's book Exhibitionism for the Shy, a sex manual about "turning diffidence into sexual empowerment and pleasure."
Catch my next kinky workshop, "Bedroom Bondage," at sex-toy store Amour on the Boulevard, Fri April 26, 7:30 pm. Tickets/info call Amour at 248-5085.
