Letter from a Professional Dominatrix to Santa Claus: Dear Mr. Claus—or may I just call you Santa? I feel as though I know you, and given your well-documented Naughty/Nice data collection ability, you must know a lot about me, too. You're probably wondering why I've contacted you. I imagine you get lots of letters this time of year from people trying to get last-minute upgrades on your famous lists. But this isn't one of them. You see, I'm totally comfortable with my place on the Naughty list. Oh, I tried being Nice when I was a kid, but I soon saw that Naughty was more fun, so I switched brands and haven't looked back.
And that right there is your problem, Santa. Your Be Nice campaigns? Failing. True, as the earliest adopter of a worldwide, targeted-demographic delivery system, you've been an icon in the industry. And I know you're running a nonprofit organization, Santa. But, frankly, your company has grown stagnant.
However, I have a solution for you. Give up delivering coal and switches to the Naughty people. Sure, it's a Santa trademark. But it's boring, dated branding, and with all the competition from other winter holidays, you can't afford that. All that coal has got to be a bitch to transport, and it's got serious eco-image problems. And switches? You know how people are when it comes to their kids. Some mommy-blogger who gets disgruntled because her little brats didn't make the Nice list and starts Twittering that Santa promotes corporal punishment? Overnight public-relations disaster. So jettison the under-18 Naughty list completely.
The leads you want to leverage are the over-18 Naughty-listers. That's where I come in, Santa, because you need a professional to execute that contract. I'm a well-known expert in Naughty, and I can assemble a crack team. I guarantee, if you give me access to your Naughty database, we would dispense appropriate punishment to everyone on it. Customers aren't satisfied with empty promises—they want bottom-line proof that they are being surveilled, judged, and punished. If you're Nice, Santa brings you a present. But if you're Naughty, you won't get switches in your stocking, you'll get the Mistress in stockings, taking a switch to your ass. That's how you create buzz and build customer loyalty! True, you may actually see a slight rise in the Naughty numbers once the new campaign is rolled out. But your Nice customers will be more loyal than ever!
I'd like to get together with you (and perhaps with Mrs. Claus, as well) for an in-depth discussion of my idea, and a sample of my technique. Fresh blood would do you good, because, let's face it, Santa: You've gotten soft. But with my help, you can regain your edge. Together, we could bring the tension, the drama—and even a little bit of the fear—back into Finding Out Who's Been Naughty or Nice. Think about it, Nick. Call me.