But then there is the other kind.
(A) E-mail From People Whose Blood Has Left Their Brains
"wil u fuk me pleaz I wanna lik ur pusy"
Because it's a well-known fact that nothing gets a girl all humid like misspelled obscenities from strangers. The only missing touch here is a blurry JPEG of his penis.
(B) Jesus Fetishists
The hallmark of e-mail from these people would be the vivid descriptions of the things Jesus is going to do to me for being such a bad, bad girl. "You'll be bound down in the fiery pit! And Satan will torment you with his pitchfork! And all of Satan's minions will flay the flesh from your bones!" I can almost hear them panting, and I can understand why, because it sounds sort of sexy to me, too. So God is going to punish me for flogging people by--flogging me? Hey, I'm a switch, I can deal with that.
(C) Cautionary Tales
It's surprising how many complete strangers feel compelled to warn me that my profession has its dangers. Wow, you mean there are bad people in the world, and I might meet up with one of them? Imagine, over 10 years in the sex industry, and that never occurred to me. What was I thinking?
I'm willing to cut people some good-intentions slack on this one. But the fact is, I know far more about protecting myself than some patronizing gated-community type whose sole experience in predicting violent behavior consists of watching Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
(D) Wow You're Actually Intelligent!
"Dear Mistress Matisse: I read your column, expecting to find puerile trash written by a vulgar, brainless strumpet. I was amazed to find that you have some reasonably clever ideas and you can actually express them coherently! Congratulations on being an intelligent strumpet. " Gee, that makes me feel all warm inside. Thanks for being such a kind condescending twit instead of a nasty one. But since you're obviously looking for puerile trash, why don't I give your e-mail address to some very nice boys who've also been writing to me?
