Not that my life as a dominatrix isn't entertaining, you understand. Some days I get to experience some very diverse conversational styles. Take these two gentlemen...
Ring, ring!
Me: Hello?
Caller: Brown showers.
Me: Excuse me?
Caller: Brown showers.
I understand what this guy is saying, and of course I know what the term means. What I don't understand is why he thinks this is an appropriate way to begin a conversation.
Me: No, that's not the way you talk to me.
Caller: That's what I want.
Me: I know. But you need to ask for it more politely.
Now, I don't do brown showers, (meaning: shit on someone) no matter how nicely you ask. But that's beside the point. The phone company doesn't charge by the word--these boys need to be polite. Besides, if he wants something even other kinksters think is out there, he'd better make a good first impression. But no one is paying me to teach telephone etiquette, so when he says--
Caller: Well, will you do that?
I just say "no," and he hangs up. A few minutes later the phone rings again.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello, Mistress Matisse?
Me: Yes, this is she.
Caller: I was calling about an appointment. I've never seen a Mistress before, but I've thought about it a lot.
Me: Okay, why don't you talk to me about what you've been thinking about.
Caller: I want to feel... overpowered, like you've just taken all control away from me.
Me: That sounds fine. What kinds of things were you interested in exploring physically?
Caller: Just total loss of control. I'm a control freak in my everyday life, so I really want to experience helplessness.
Me: Well, I can do that. But I tailor each of my sessions to the individual, so I'm looking for some ideas about what activities you think would make you feel helpless.
Caller: Hmmnn. I don't really know. As I said, I'm new at this.
This conversation is going downhill. I'm a dominatrix, not a mind reader, and I'm trying to make sure that this guy's fantasy of "helplessness" doesn't include any no-nos, like a brown shower. Nailing down some basic parameters right off the bat avoids a lot of wasted time and disappointment down the road. But if I have to ask more than three times what someone wants me to do with them, that's a bad sign.
Me: I understand that you've not seen a Mistress before--but you know what's in your head. You've fantasized about this, yes?
Caller: Yes.
Me: So, what is being done to you in your fantasies?
Caller: I think it's kind of an overall sensation of helplessness, of being totally at someone else's mercy.
He's determined not going to give up even the slightest clue, is he?
Me: Okay, if I said to you right now, "You're helpless, you're completely at my mercy," would that make you feel the way that you want to feel?
Caller: Uh, no.
Me: Why not?
Caller: Because we're just talking on the phone; you're not really doing anything.
Me: Exactly! I'm not doing anything--so what would I have to do to make you feel helpless?
He makes some unintelligible noises of demurral. It's time to wind this up.
Me: I do understand that it's hard to talk to a stranger about this. But you have to talk to me specifically about what your fantasy is. So why don't you spend some time thinking about what you'd like me to do with you, and give me a call back when you're ready to talk about that, okay?
He mumbles an agreement and we hang up.
As I replace the phone, a blast from the TV past comes into my head: "It's always something." Yes, either it's some guy who won't say anything except the words "brown showers" or it's a guy who refuses to tell you what his fantasy is. Some days, I just feel like the fetish Roseanne Rosannadanna.
