Since folks are always writing in asking for advice on meeting other kinky people, I think it's time for a tour through the Dungeon of Dating Cluelessness, the Personal Ads You Really Should Not Answer. Some of these people need no introduction, of course. There's the guy who has the picture of himself holding a riding crop while wearing a fedora and a necktie--but no shirt. Suave. Oh, and here's the ad with the rather large Goth chick holding up her dog--a Chihuahua that's noticeably smaller than even one of the breasts overflowing from her corset--and kissing it. On the lips. Yeah, with this woman, you would definitely be safer kissing the boots. Just be sure and sniff them first--you don't know how house-trained that dog is.

No, you know better than to answer the ads of these people, just as you know better than to even entertain the idea of conversing with someone whose site handle is "ToothlessHamster." But let me offer you some warning about ads you may not have been exposed to yet.

If the ad says, "I think the external trappings of BDSM are unnecessary--I'm more interested in the psychological aspects of dominance than the physical," that should be translated as, "I'm an unrepentant control freak who pouts if I don't get my way, but I'm too cheap to buy toys and too lazy to do anything interesting to you in bed."

The ad says, "I seek a mistress who can see into the depths of my slave-soul, and bring out the total submission that dwells there. Her desires will guide me in every moment of my existence." The translation is, "I'm a big passive lump who will expect you to read my mind and fulfill my every emotional and sexual need without my having to say it, or even know what the hell it is."

The ad says, "I have a fantasy of being your mystery lover, slipping into your house in the deep of the night and awakening you with a passionate kiss from a stranger." The translation is, "I live in my parents' basement, so we can't play at my place. Plus, I'm overweight from sitting in front of my computer 17 hours a day eating Chee-tos and playing SOCOM 2, so I'm too inhibited to let you see me naked with the lights on."

The ad says, "I'm a true 24/7 lifestyle Mistress. My naturally dominant nature informs everything I do, and I demand that my slaves worship me." The translation is, "I get pissy when I have to wait in line at QFC, and I'll embarrass you by making rude remarks in a loud voice. Oh, and get out your credit card, because you're buying my groceries."

The ad says, "We're a sexy, mature, dominant couple--she's bi--living in a beautiful country setting that we'd like to share with a live-in slave. We work from home, so we can devote a lot of time to play." The translation is, "We're a pair of aging bikers living in a trailer in Bumfuck, Egypt. We eke out a living selling penis-enlargement pills on eBay, so we'll expect you to do housework naked while we sit at the computer and occasionally swat you on the ass when you walk by."

The ad says, "Daddy's little girl, sweet and loving yet emotionally intense, seeks strong Daddy to claim her as his own. No game-players or time-wasters." The translation is, "I'm a black hole of emotional neediness, and I have the Microsoft attitude about my emotional immaturity: It's not a bug, it's a feature! Expect me to be talking about 'commitment' after one date."

The ad says, "Strong-willed slave seeking stronger Master. Take control and keep it. Can you capture this wild, untamed slave?" The translation is, "I'll exhaust you with naked wrestling matches in bed--long past the point of fun--and I will never obey even the mildest, most reasonable order without a fight, since that would mean you weren't in control of me."

The ad says, "I AM A TRUE DOMINATE, I WANT VERY MUCH TO PLEAZE YOU." The translation is, "I'm a horny Net geek with no fucking idea what any of this BDSM shit means. I'm just hoping some pussy falls onto my face."