"Griffin's a cool guy," I said. "We have to know someone he'd like."
"I'm already flipping through my mental PDA," said Roman. "Do you have any ideas?"
"Hmmnn, how about Felicia?"
"No," he said. "Felicia used to play with Griffin's ex, it would be too weird for him to date her. How about Greta?"
"No, Greta's one of Max's old play-partners, and so is Molly. I think Griffin would be kinda squicked by playing with not one, but two of Max's old partners."
"Listen," said Roman. "If we're ruling out everyone who's ever played with Max, that's going to eliminate a lot of potentials. Does he have any suggestions?"
"Max says he has a noninterference policy when it comes to other people's love lives."
"A noninterference policy? Has he been watching Stargate again?"
"I think it's more like a Star Trek prime directive thing," I replied. "Hey, how about Suzanne? She never played with Max."
"Excuse me, Suzanne is my ex! Talk about squicky."
"Honey," I said. "You two broke up three years ago."
"No way. It makes the circle much too small."
"I suppose that means your wife is out of the question, then?"
He assumed a tell-it-to-the-hand posture. "Don't even go there."
As you can see, even with Seattle's flourishing kinky and poly communities, getting more than a degree or two of separation between lovers or play partners can be challenging. That is occasionally a problem for me, since I prefer what Griffin calls the hub-and-spoke system of polyamory. That is, I like my relationships to stay separate; I'm the hub, my lovers are the spokes. I don't mean they can't have social interaction, I'm fine with that. But I would be uncomfortable if, just for example, Max started having a relationship with Roman's wife. It's just too incestuous.
What are the rules of my hub-and-spoke system? First rule: If you want to have a relationship with me, you cannot also be involved with Max or Roman. Second rule: I won't date anyone who's also getting naked with Roman's wife or Max's secondary partner. And third: If you're involved with Max or Roman, I won't date your partner.
Those are the hard and fast limits for me. But there are some slightly more permeable boundaries. For example, I don't think I'd like it if Max or Roman got involved with my best friend, Miss K. I admit she and I shared people in the past. But those were all fairly fleeting relationships, and how can I go talk to her about you if she's sleeping with you, too? Still, I might be able to deal.
I would also strongly dislike one of my partners hitting on any of my recent exes--say, within the last five years. (In this context, I define "exes" as someone I had sex with more than three times.)
And then there's the question: Do I ever break my own rules? Well, I sometimes consider it. Let's just say hypothetically that Max was playing with a cute girl who happened to have a studly husband. Would I go there? I shouldn't, because it's a violation of the rules. I won't say I'm not occasionally tempted. But it seems like a mistake to make things any more complicated than they already are.
So after trying, in vain, to sketch out some comprehensible Venn diagrams and flow charts showing the past and current entanglements of all of our friends, I told Roman I was giving up on the idea of playing yenta to Griffin.
"I'm beginning to think Max may have the right idea with his romantic noninterference policy. Should we start calling him General Jack, or Captain Kirk?"
