Ring Ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Uh, hello, Mistress Matisse? I just called to tell you that you're really beautiful. And I've read your column and I think it's great.

Me: Oh, well thank you...

Caller: No, I mean really. You really are beautiful and smart.

He's insistent, isn't he? Actually, I hadn't contradicted him, although some guys do seem to hear "thank you" as a denial. I'm not sure why, unless they think a girl is subtly implying the compliment is insincere. So it's nice that he thinks well of me. I just wonder why he felt compelled to call me up and tell me so.

Me: Thank you. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?

Caller: Yeah. I'm, like, new in town, and I was wondering if you'd give me a tour of Seattle, kinda show me around the sexy places you know?

When I went to an all-women's college, groups of boys from the neighboring coed school would drive to our campus and park under the windows of the freshman dorm. They'd get out of their cars and yell up at the windows, "Hey, ladies! Anybody want a date?"

They got our attention—all the girls within earshot would at least come to the window to inspect the goods. I also remember of a few bold girls hopping into cars with these boys and roaring off into the night, so one can't say this technique never works.

Unfortunately for this caller, I'm not a college freshman.

Me: No, sorry.

Caller: Oh, c'mon.

Me: No, thank you.

Caller: Bitch!

He hangs up. Wow, amazing how I went from being beautiful and smart to being a bitch just that quickly.

Ring Ring!

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi, Miz-stress Mah-teese? My name is Aubert, I am visiting Seattle, and I wish to make ze—how you say?—ze appointment with you.

This caller's heavy French accent seems to add an extra syllable to every word, and it sounds like he's playing it up a little bit, trying to be all extra-sexy. But I've never been a girl to swoon over a foreign accent, and this one makes me think of John Cleese playing a French soldier in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I stifle a giggle.

Me: Okay, what kind of scene are you looking for?

Caller: I want ze ball busting.

I've never heard anyone say "ball-busting" with a French accent before. The rising inflection he gives it makes it sound like a subtle, courtly activity. It is not. "Ball busting" means impact on the scrotum, in the form of kicking or kneeing the guy. Like escargot, this brand of intense sensation is not to everyone's taste, even among men who enjoy other forms of cock and ball torture. It's also an activity that needs to be done with some care and precision in order to not do long-lasting damage.

Me: Okay, have you done ball-busting before?

Caller: Non, zis will be ze first time. I want—I saw ze picture on the internet, of a Mistress jumping on ze man's balls? Can you do zat?

Me: Jump on them? Like, jumping up and down? No, I can do other things, like kicking, but I don't think jumping on them is a good idea.

Caller: Why not?

Me: Because it would injure you in a serious way.

Caller: Perhaps it would injure ze American. But I am very strong. In France, I am ze athlete.

Huh, I wonder if this is Zinedine Zidane? Should I offer to head-butt his balls instead? Perhaps not. But no matter what nationality your couilles are, I don't recommend dropping 120 pounds of weight on them.

Me: No, sorry, I won't jump on them.

Caller: (angrily) In Paris, the French miz-tress, they do zis all the time.

Me: Then I suggest you call a French mistress.

Caller: Pah! (And a string of French words that don't sound very complimentary. Then he hangs up.)

If you're a French dominatrix with a new client named Aubert, be sure and kick him a good one for me.

Kink Calendar



Burning Hearts Burlesque presents The Bedroom Club, an adult-themed variety show, at its new Capitol Hill location, the Northwest Actor's Studio. The Northwest Actors Studio, 1100 E Pike St, 898-9067 or www.bedroomclublive.com, door at 9, show at 10, tickets $10, $15 for couples, 21+ w/ID.



Rain City Jacks is a private, men-only JO club that's alcohol-, smoke-, and attitude-free. Raincityjacks.org or rc@raincityjacks.org, 7–10 pm (doors close at 8 pm), membership required.



A BDSM play party for gay, bi, and straight boys. Wet Spot, men-only@wetspot.org or 270-9746, 10 pm–3 am, $15, male ID and membership required.



Picking up women can be tricky, but Jennifer of Libido Events will show you how to make the connection. Wet Spot, www.libidoevents.com or 270-9746, 1–3 pm, $25, women only, female ID required.



Love Lounge is an "adult social club" that holds events for bi women and male/female couples—no single men, please. Lovelounge@lovelounge.net, 9:30 pm, no cover, membership required, 21+ w/ ID.



Meet at Gas Works Park for a walking tour of Lake Union with local historians. This is a serious walk, you guys—like six miles. So wear comfortable shoes and bring a bottle of water. Museum of History and Industry Walking Tours, 324-1126 or www.seattlehistory.org, 11 am, $15–$25.



A clothing-optional "swim and be social" event at an indoor pool. The Longhouse in Redmond, pool@wetspot.org or 270-9746, noon–4 pm, $10, RSVP required, Wet Spot membership required, but WS members may bring adult guests.



Staff and customers mingle for a night of flirting, dancing, and (hopefully) some hooking up. Tunes by DJ Library Science. Babeland, 707 E Pike St, 328-2914, 8 pm, free.