"Hello, my name is Jane Smith. I don't want to make an appointment, but I am calling because I understand that you don't see female clients, and yet I have heard that you do play with women otherwise. And so I would just like to get some clearer explanation of why you have that rule. Because that just doesn't seem fair to me."

I get at least one pissy phone call or e-mail about this issue a week. You know, there are several varieties of male clients that I will not see either, and the infantilism enthusiasts and strangulation fans regularly call me to plead or wheedle. But I have to say this for them: At least they never employ this indignant, explain-yourself-missy tone of voice the way the women who call me about this do.

One of the primary reasons I run my own business and I have no employees is because I dislike having to explain my behavior or answer questions I consider irrelevant and immaterial. I have built an entire career around saying, "Because I'm the fucking Mistress, that's why" and letting people take it or leave it. That's always seemed like a professional achievement that I can be proud of. Be honest: You don't ask people to justify their personal preferences unless you think they're unjustified. And if you're going to go there, you'd better have a more compelling argument than "that's not fair."

So I usually ignore these messages. But if you insist: I don't see female clients because in my entire career, I have had exactly one who was a satisfactory client. All the rest of them were crazy, had bad boundaries, were piss-poor communicators, and never, ever got out the door within the time we'd agreed to. A couple of them cried when I made them leave at the end of the session, and one of them stalked me, insisting that she knew she could make me love her if I'd just give her a chance.

Obviously I know not all women are that way. The women I play with in my private life are wonderful people. But somehow the women who want to hire me always turn out to be psychos. Therefore, I no longer take female clients.

The ironic part is that when I enthusiastically welcomed female clients, I got about one every four months. So it's not that there's a huge market out there—note how this caller denied even wanting to actually book with me. It's just that some women hear that I won't see female clients and it touches off this knee-jerk "that's not fair" response. Yes, I gender-discriminate, people. Sue me. Oh, wait, you can't, because I'm an outlaw, remember? People have to resign from their jobs as governor for consorting with women like me. So if you'd like your right to hire a sex worker to be equally protected by law, then I suggest you put that high-minded talk about fairness to use in politics, decriminalizing my industry. recommended