Politicians do wacky things to connect with voters. They drop pucks and shoot hoops, cook ribs with Rachael and dance with Ellen, and when they're out in the field, they press the flesh on the rope line and cheerfully chow down on all kinds of "typical" regional cuisine, no matter how gross it is. So what if John McCain and Barack Obama tried to get the kink vote? It certainly wouldn't be your average campaign stop. Picture them at, say, Folsom Street Fair, with several hundred thousand perverts milling around them. What would that be like?

I doubt they'd actually get kinky, but they'd have to dress up. Obama would go with sleek, minimalist fetish attire, like shiny black pants, sleeveless black shirt, and a long, shiny vinyl duster. He'd look great in a male corset, but focus groups would have indicated that rural het-male-dominant voters don't like those, so he wouldn't wear one.

McCain, on the other hand, would go old-school leatherman style, in Levi's 501s, black cotton T-shirt, and black leather vest. And maybe chaps and short black leather gloves. Not only is that a very traditional BDSM look, it's also kinder to the not-so-fit figure than shiny vinyl. (Perhaps that's why it's so enduring.)

Not to be outdone, Joe Biden would be wearing pretty much the same outfit as McCain. But he'd probably also wear the leather Muir cap, with the eagle on the front, to mask his hair plugs. And Sarah Palin? She'd go with the fetish-librarian look: a white latex high-buttoned top with long sleeves and a black latex pencil skirt, with patent-leather platform pumps.

"Our government should help us, not hurt us—except when we consent to it," Obama would be saying. "It should ensure kinky opportunities for every American who yearns to be bound, flogged, and fucked. That's the change we need right now." And Biden would add something like, "Yes, equal opportunities for real submissive masters!" The crowd would look confused, and he'd quickly be shushed.

Meanwhile, McCain would be across the street. "My friends, I've fought those special-interest groups, like those cross-dressing Gorean furries. I believe in old-fashioned kinky values and strict discipline!" Palin would wink and chirp, "As your future President—whoops, I mean, Vice President—I just love meeting the really pro-kinky kinky people of this great nation!" She'd then refuse to answer any questions. McCain and Palin would also thank the many men in crowd who were holding large black rubber implements, with their butt cracks showing above their pants, "for coming out to support Joe the Plumber!" There would be a ripple of snickers, and one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence would snap back, "Oh, they've come out all right, sweetie!"

FOX News would send a correspondent to do a stand-up, and he'd snipe about the fact that Biden didn't have a black hanky in his back left pocket (gasp!), so he's obviously not a real BDSM person! And CNN would send Anderson Cooper, who'd instantly be mobbed by every gay man there, leaving the candidates deserted. It would be a tough crowd. Maybe they should try the swingers' clubs instead? recommended