THIS MONTH WE PREDICT:

Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit will be admitted to the hospital for treatment because of a cookie up his ass.

A remix CD EP of Madonna's "Dress You Up" will be issued within a month to capitalize on the success of the version of the song featured in the Gap's "Everybody in Vests" ad campaign.

Steven Tyler of Aerosmith will publicly take credit for the current vogue for bands who marry rap and hard rock, like Korn and Limp Bizkit, based on the success of the Aerosmith/Run DMC collaboration "Walk this Way." This will probably appear in Rolling Stone.

Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers will publicly feud with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith over the above comments. He will contest that the Red Hot Chili Peppers cleared the way for Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit with Blood Sugar Sex Magic. This will probably appear on MTV. Kurt Loder debuts a facial expression.

The Seattle Weekly will make 46 more references to the genius of the Smashing Pumpkins before Halloween.

The Rocket? We give it one month past its 20th anniversary issue.

WERE WE DRUNK?

We've been disappointed at Evil Tambourine's live shows. But they kicked our asses all over the Showbox last month. The house was duly rocked. (We do not revise our opinion of Al Larsen.)

The Blair Witch Project? Not enough witches. Everyone will go camping.

Folks will notice C Average don't actually resemble the goblins they sing about. Nice haircuts.

We apologize if anyone paid money to see Subset because of us. The band is a novelty act that we can only describe as roughly equivalent to the spectacle of a monkey with an organ grinder. Witness the ex-Presidents of the USA members, skinny white guys with neither funk nor wit, trot out a talented black man and then stomp all over his groove. Witness Sir Mix a Lot hitch his star to some honky asses in an attempt to ride the Top 40. Everyone loses their cred, especially when you hear the music.

No one will wear vests this fall, not even Marc Olsen.