Students! As you may have already surmised, our last school year was marred by many unfortunate institutional infractions—infractions which, in turn, led to an abundance of red, stinging bottoms. This year, however, the choice is yours. If you don't want your tuckus to be on the receiving end of my little wooden pal, "The Enforcer," then you should pay special attention to our new, updated "DON'T YOU DO IT!" list. This list defines specific situations from last year in which students did what they should not have been doing, leading me to do that which should not have to be done. So, LEARN IT—KNOW IT—AND DON'T YOU DO IT!
Wedgies—Don't You Do It!
The act of grabbing the back of a student's tighty-whiteys and pulling in a hard upward motion so as to lift the student into the air and seriously endanger his future chances of producing children, is completely prohibited. In fact, male students are ordered to wear boxer shorts so as to remove the possibility of such a heinous act being committed upon them. Penalty: Five sharp swats on the buttocks.
Taping Freshmen to Lockers—Don't You Do It!
Freshman hazing is an important part of the high school experience, but this year, seniors will confine their activities to hanging crayons around the new students' necks and forcing them to ride tricycles in the hallway. Any duct tape found in a student's possession during the first week of classes is contraband, and will be confiscated immediately. Penalty: Loss of off-campus privileges for a week.
Swirlies—Don't You Do It!
Note to bullies: Our weaker students will be protected from headfirst immersion in flushing toilet bowls by any means necessary. To go along with newly installed small-hole toilet seats, we have stiffened penalties for this terrible act. Penalty: One full week of toilet-cleaning duty.
Abruptly Pulling Someone Backward When They're Trying to Use the Urinal—Don't You Do It!
Some of our thicker-headed students find it amusing to interrupt the act of urination by yanking other students backward by both arms, causing them to lose control of their units and spray pee-pee all over their clothes, hands, and the bathroom floor. This will no longer be tolerated. Penalty: Two days of in-school suspension.
Pulling a Student Onto His Back When He's Crouching to Remove a Book from the Bottom of His Locker—Don't You Do It!
This apparently benign, though humiliating activity caused two trips to the school nurse in the 1998-99 school year—one for concussion. Penalty: One week of picking up trash in the parking lot.
Snapping a Student's Privates with a Towel—Don't You Do It!
The testes of our male students are our most precious resource, as they ensure the very future of our species on this planet. We will do whatever is in our power to protect them. Penalty: Writing "Procreation is important—for married heterosexual couples, of course—all others should practice abstinence" 100 times.
Sissy Tests—Don't You Do It!
You do not prove your toughness by rubbing an eraser on your skin until you bleed. You prove your toughness by playing football. Penalty: One rap on the knuckles with the metal edge of a 12" (30 cm) ruler.
Five Fingers—Don't You Do It!
The coming of spring should be a joyous time, as students are allowed to wear short pants of a regulated length. However, it is not a time to slap the newly exposed legs of a fellow student in such a manner so an image of your hand appears in red upon the student's thigh. Penalty: Loss of short pants privileges.
Snapping Bra Straps—Don't You Do It!
Now, we all know this to be a completely harmless activity, but due to liberal activists and trial lawyers, this prank could wind up bankrupting the school. Penalty: Mandatory attendance at a weekend-long sensitivity training seminar.
Other Notable "Don't You Do Its!"
Pinning a student and drooling on them.
The Frog Punch.
Crouching behind someone while your friend pushes them over your back.
The Flat Tire.
Stealing panties from gym lockers.
"Kick Me!" signs.
Forging notes to boys from other girls.
Placing stinky or dead things in people's cars/lockers.
Tripping in the lunchroom.
Indian Rug Burn/Dutch Rub.
Dumping students head first into garbage cans.
Goosing girls underneath their dresses with a slide trombone.
Taping ass cheeks together.
Picking Parties (wherein the victim's gym shorts are yanked down, and his pubic hair is forcibly removed).
Turning the teacher's desk drawers upside down.
Putting mashed potatoes on the teacher's seat.
Calling people "Retardo," "Cum licker," or "Spongey."
Putting packets of ketchup underneath a toilet seat, so it sprays on the back of one's legs after sitting down.
Making "a match burn twice."
Pretending to have a gun in your pocket.
Saying, "Did you get dressed in the dark this morning?"
Intentionally breaking a student's glasses.
Mooning (and conversely, "Sunning").