As everyone knows, the epicenter of any school is its sports program. A home run, a game-winning free throw, or a devastatingly hard tackle that leaves one's opponent bleeding, perhaps unconscious—these are the magical moments that send school spirit surging through your veins. Sadly, I know there are an unfortunate few out there who would like to be filled with the miracle of school spirit, but can't, because you are in some way crippled, or throw like a girl. Believe me, I feel your pain. But with the help of Coach Gorman and Coach Huggins, I have come up with 20 ways anyone can get involved in athletics.
A. Be a "Team's Mate!"
1. Entertain the athletes on their long bus trips. Sing rousing school-related songs, or better yet, put on a puppet show. Puppet shows could recount some of our team's greatest moments, such as when Eric Sorenson (F, 220 lbs.) bloodied half of Garfield's bench. Or that game against Midway High when the Patterson brothers clotheslined that scrawny halfback and left him gasping like a fish out of water. Now that's a show you drama club dandies could really get into!
2. Here's one for you bookworms! Help our noble athletes with their schoolwork. Remember, as long as the athletes sign their own names, the administration considers it their work.
3. Share a sibling! Do you have a cute sister? Explain to her the connection between athletics and school spirit, and introduce her to the team. Our boys get lonely!
B. Take a "Field" Trip!
6. Become a mascot! Who says schools should have only one mascot? Think about how inspirational it would be for everyone involved if we had a whole herd of Vikings, Indians, or octopuses out there! Imagine the magic of 10 or 11 mascots—all doing the same thing. "Watch out, those Indians have buckets of water," the crowd might squeal. Or "Look, all of the octopuses are doing the chicken dance!" Have your mom sew you up a costume and get out there!
7. You know our boys work up a thirst out there on the field, and that's why we have waterboys, but what happens when our athletes get hungry? That's why we need "snackboys." Dress up like a chef, whip up some food, and serve it on the sidelines! Team favorites include steak chunks and pork chunks.
8. Please do not become involved with male cheerleading. It is my personal opinion that male cheerleading does more harm than good to our athletic program.
C. Easy-Does-It Sport!
You'd be amazed at how becoming involved in sports raises your self esteem—and might even finally score you a date! Try starting up a team in one of these "sports."
13. Badminton. Not even close to being a real sport (I consider non-contact sports to be "games"), but it is very slow-moving, so you might be able to do it.
14. Shuffleboard. This is usually played by the very old, but maybe you can do it too!
15. Darts. Hint: Stand real close.
D. It's Not Just a Man's World Anymore!
Even girls can get involved in sports!
20. I've noticed several girls who couldn't make the cheerleading squad because they are a little too "top heavy." I just want you to know that I am available as a personal trainer both after school and on weekends. Getting involved in sports, in any way, is guaranteed to lift you out of the depression that afflicts so many non-athletes. Look at me—I feel great about myself. I am one of the most respected wrestling coaches in the county, I'm a wildly popular shop teacher, and I'm a three-time Mr. Washington (including best arms ['92, '93], best abs ['91, '93], and best routine ['90, '92, '93]). So stop being so pathetic; help yourself, and help our school. Get involved in athletics—or get the hell out of the way.