Kelly O

Signs your unicorn is cheating on you: (1) Seems emotionally distant and uninterested. (2) Wears fancier tail ribbons. (3) Starts working out at the gym. (4) Quickly closes its laptop when you walk into its enchanted den. (5) Credit-card bill full of charges to area elf lodges. (6) The "three C's": confrontation, criticism, and complaints. (7) Every time you use the word "magic" it sighs forlornly. (8) Is making a movie with Angelina Jolie.

Christopher Monks, from Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists

"If you think you might be a Radical Fairy trapped in just a plain Fairy's body, call the Telefairy Hotline."

—Gordon Polatnick, from his essay "Radical Fairies"

"Am I drunk or did two dudes in dresses really just come running out of the woods?"

—Kelly O, The Stranger's Drunk of the Week