This is Brian. And this is Brian's brain. This is Brian's brain on "I'm-not-having-any-fun-at-this-stupid-Halloween-party-'cause-all-I-can-think-about-is-Tuesday-and-the-fact-that-if-McCain-wins-I-will-staple-my-nuts-to-this-fucking-chair-and-just-sit-here-until-2012."

Any questions? This column went to press before the election results. I hope as your eyes are reading this, Brian's testicles are bouncing along freely and Barack Obama is the president of the United States of America.