If only I had a frickin' nickel for every time someone asked me, "Why don't you ever make YOURSELF Drunk of the Week?!" Well, here you go. This is me, three in the afternoon, drunk as a skunk, standing in the middle of a 12-acre field dressed as an ear of corn. Earlier in the week (probably over more drinks), a plan was hatched to dust off the ol' veggie suit and go out to "The Farm" in Snohomish, home of Washington State's LARGEST CORN MAZE. Holy wow. Though we didn't get as lost as we had hoped, we did manage to keep the video camera rolling. For directions to The Farm—which also has hayrides, a "pig show," a petting zoo, and a pumpkin patch—go to www.washingtoncornmaze.com.

Overheard at the scene: "Dad, that corn-man-woman is scaring me." I will not receive any cab vouchers or a T-shirt.