WHAT IN THE DAD-BLAMED TARNATION is all this "Moniker Loowhiskey" hully-balloo? It's damn near all ah hears tell about nowadays! If it ain't Moniker Loowhiskey's fancy cee-gars, it's Moniker Loowhiskey's sticky Sundy go-to-meetin' dress!

Now, ah don't got no hi-falutin telly-vision pikcher set, so ah din't git to see no Barber Walter inner-view. But ah DID see that thar Moniker Loowhiskey in the newspepper, and folks, she looked lahk she had a daid polecat stuck to her pumpkin-haid! Now ah ain't sayin' she's uguly or nuttin'--she got a raht purty mouth, and it's still filled up with teeth! But let me tell YOU, that hair-doo done scare me near to death, and makes me reckallect the Witch of Parson's Holler! She killed mah Uncle Billy Billy Joe Joe with her sweet purfumes and evil eye--AND she poysined the water in the oaken bucket! So if ah caught Moniker Loowhiskey on my propitty with that hex-ed hair-doo? Why, ah'd fill her rump with buckshot afore she got a chance to spook the livestock! YEEE-HAW!!

Now ah may just be simple hillfolk, and the closest ah've come to expressin' mah carnal dee-sires is stickin' mah Johnson in a wood-knot, but if ah wuz the Prezzydint ah wouldn't be swappin' no jaw-spit with a womin whose haid looks lahk it got stuck in a buckit o' fatback! Naw, ah'd picks me out a womin jest like mah Cousin Jezzy Joo-Belle! Her haid smell sweeter than a sorghum-mash sammich! Ah loves yew, Cousin Jezzy Joo-Belle! AH SAID AH LOOOVES YEWWW! And that thar's my-a 'pinyin.

The opinions of Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy do not necessarily reflect the views of The Stranger or its subsidiaries.