Cinema Paradiso, The Emperor's New Clothes, Hey Arnold! the Movie, John Sayles Retrospective, Mr. Deeds

13 Conversations About One Thing
Interview this issue. Despite being infinitely better than like-themed yuppie redemption stories (e.g. Pay It Forward), this interweaving meditation of faith, faith, and coincidence still feels like a random series of convenient super-narrative strategies, rather than the circumstantial tapestry it means to be. The acting is both superb (Alan Arkin) and clumsily hyperintentional (Matthew McConnaughey), and the same thing goes for the writing, which finds ways to place its characters in crux moments, but cops out by forcing all these cruxes to connect. An impressive effort, with severe reservations. (SEAN NELSON) Harvard Exit

AN EVENING WITH BALLARD PICTURES
Local impressario Warren Etheridge presents a mini-festival of films by local impressario Johnny Seattle, whose works include Attack of the Killer Monkey Brain, Home of the Brave, They Call Me Mr. Lucky, and Skunk Ape. www.johnnyseattle.com. Rendezvous

* Bartleby
A deft, wonderfully acted transposition of Melville's famous meditation on/screed against soul-killing bureaucracy. This adaptation (shot on video) plays as a kind of existential TV drama, set in a modern office, and starring the great Crispin Glover, probably the only man alive who can credibly take the role of a cipher who says almost nothing other than, "I would prefer not to," and make him a compelling figure. His mysterious mantra, coupled with the depressing cheeriness of the set design, give Bartleby an everyman heft, sidestepping the inherent problems of the story, and turning the classic tale into a timeless, absurdist allegory for despair. (SEAN NELSON) Varsity

* By Design 2002
The NWFF's festival of film and design continues with "Seattle Moves," a panel discussion and screening of works by local designers including Paul Matthaes and Franklin Joyce (Thurs June 20) and three programs that examine the art of Film Titles: "'60s-style," featuring the work of Maurice Binder (Charade), Robert Brownjohn (Goldfinger), and Richard Kuhn (In Like Flint) (Fri June 21, 8 pm); "Wayne Fitzgerald" (Bonnie and Clyde, The Godfather, The Conversation, Chinatown) (Sat June 22); and "Contemporary," featuring Balsmeyer and Everett (The Man Who Wasn't There), Deborah Ross (Talented Mr. Ripley), and many others (Sun June 23).Little Theatre

Cherish
Robin Tunney plays a self-destructive dot-commer who winds up under house arrest, and soon yearns to break free. By the time it shifts into unlikely full-blown suspense mode, this lightweight-but-smarty-pants film's many charms (Tunney and Tim Blake Nelson chief among them) have already got you, either despite or because of its heavy reliance on seemingly innocuous '80s hits. And Liz Phair is in it. (SEAN NELSON) Varsity

* COCA Film Festival
I hope you're not tired of film festivals.... This is an impressive assortment of rare shorts from a bevy of fine directors, including David Cronenberg, Guy Maddin, David Lynch, Paul Chan, Jennifer and Amber Cluck, and co-curator Rusty Nails. For a full list of films, consult www.kathrynbertram.com/filmfest.html. Center on Contemporary Art

Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
Jodie Foster plays a stentorian nun (Catholic males: Begin masturbating now), and Kieran Culkin plays the recipient of her stentority in this engaging tale of thwarted sexual energy in parochial school. (SEAN NELSON) Neptune

* Depth of Focus
This monthly screening series of short films with free food and a pay-as-you-exit policy, curated by the Puget Sound Cinema Society, celebrates its first anniversary. Congratulations. For more info: www.scn.org/pscs. University Heights Center

* The Fast Runner
See Stranger Suggests. Although the filmmakers have lovingly reconstructed every detail of prehistoric Inuit culture-this being the first feature-length film entirely in the Inuktitut language-by recording life on the infinite tundra with digital-video intimacy, they keep the characters palpably real. Inside glowing igloos and behind roiling teams of sled dogs, the viewer sees a legend sprout from the very ice. I can't wait to go to sleep so I can dream that I am there again. Do not miss this extraordinary film. (MATT FONTAINE) Egyptian

Forbidden Fruit
If the only lesbians you know live on Capitol Hill and get mad when you cut in line at the Wildrose, perhaps this half-hour documentary about the love that dare not speak its name in rural Zimbabwe (where, apparently, it really dare not speak its name) will shed some light. Followed by a panel discussion and dinner (vegetarians welcome, naturally). Presented by Seattle Radical Women. New Freeway Hall

The Fucking Fabulous Film Festival
Holy Shit! This film festival is fucking FABULOUS! A one-weekend extravaganza of low-to-no budget films and videos produced locally, including dozens of shorts (sample titles: Pimp Brisket, Gibraltar Code, The Killer Krapper, American Martyr, st@ic, Bubble Mimes) and two features, Polterchrist (not a Star Wars parody--sorry), and Where We All Start. All the films will be screened at Coffee Messiah. Space doesn't permit full details, but please visit www.lot11pictures.com for more information. Coffee Messiah

* If Tired Hands Could Talk
Local film scribe Shannon Gee directed this video documentary, in which local Asian American garment workers are interviewed, sharing their firsthand experiences as low figures on the totem pole of global capitalism. 911 Media Arts Center

Juwanna Mann
I dunno. Juwanna punchinthenose? But seriously folks.... This is a movie about a black man who gets thrown out of the NBA for his bad attitude and whose humbling comeuppance is playing with girls. Meridian 16, Redmond Town Center, Factoria

Lilo & Stitch
An animated film about a Hawaiian girl who adopts a dog who falls to earth near her island home (and who is really an alien genetic experiment). She embraces her new pet and teaches him "ohana"--the "Hawaiian concept of family." Good thing the dog wasn't a haole tourist.... Pacific Place

* M
Though it takes its time getting there, the pop of Peter Lorre's eyes at this film's climactic moment is one of the eternal pleasures of the cinema. Linda's is showing the entire uncut film (do you need a synopsis? Criminals band together to stop one particularly bad criminal) with subtitles. (SEAN NELSON) Linda's

* M*A*S*H
Before Robert Altman's condescension toward his characters and audience found full flower in Nashville (and yes, it's still great, but no, I'm not wrong), he was the avatar of hipster satire with humanist underpinnings. M*A*S*H is basically perfect as a comedy and as an absurdist war statement, neither didactic nor forgiving. Every actor in the film is at his and her best, and the funny parts are actively, viscerally hilarious even 30 years later. (SEAN NELSON) Grand Illusion

* Minority Report
Profiled this issue. Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise team up for this well-made futuristic thriller, based on a story by Phillip K. Dick, and featuring several special effects that are identical to ones used in Attack of the Clones. Report works best when Tom Cruise is actually running--he's a future-crimes cop being set up to commit murder--and when the maddeningly glorious Samantha Morton is actually freaking out. Complex in good ways, simple in others, the film marks Spielberg's second attempt at Kubrick paean (check the allusions to Clockwork Orange) that ends with a cop-out. Still, a worthy effort. (SEAN NELSON) Meridian 16, Oak Tree, Redmond Town Center, Woodinville 12

Northwest Animators: New York
The NW chapter of the International Animated Film Association presents this program of shorts from local animators (duh). Featured artists include Gail Noonan, Marilyn Zornado, Anouck Iyer, Webster Colcord, Rose Bond, David Donar, and Anne Marie Fleming. 911 Media Arts Center

* The Piano Teacher
Handjobs. Blowjobs. Rape. Porn. Peeing. Peeping. Bondage. Beatings. Vaginal mutilation. And incest--all set against the insufferably stilted world of Viennese classical music. Maverick director Michael Haneke's latest creation (abomination?) follows a lonely, repressed middle-aged virtuoso pianist (Isabelle Huppert) and her sadomasochistic relationship with a lovestruck young student (Benoit Magimel). The film broke the bank at Cannes, winning Best Actress, Best Actor and the Grand Jury Prize. While not nearly as brutal as Haneke's Funny Games (1997), Teacher renders an unflinching autopsy of a dream deferred. (FRED MEDICK) Seven Gables

* Repo Man
Repo man's always intense. (SEAN NELSON) Egyptian

* Shampoo
Aside from being Beatty's crowning achievement (he also produced it), Shampoo is also the classic torchbearer for everything people can't stand about the guy: vanity, bedroom braggadocio, image über alles. The fact is, it's precisely those elements (thrown in at Beatty's expense, not to his aggrandizement) that enable Shampoo to see through the vainglorious frailties of the American psyche. Trading on garish elements of the Beatty persona and sacrificing the famous Beatty ego, Beatty's George ultimately cuts a pathetic, not heroic, figure at the center of the film. On the surface, he seems to have it all, but in the end he's the one who's left behind. (SEAN NELSON) Grand Illusion

SNEAK
After six years of success in the Bay Area as the Camera Cinema Club, this film preview series returns as "Sneak" in Seattle. The film titles are not revealed until the film starts, so it's a cinematic lottery. The movie is followed by a special guest (usually someone from the film) and a discussion, which depending on what's been screened could be thrilling or excruciating. For more information check out the website www.sneakfilms.com. Pacific Place

* About a Boy
Directed by Paul and Chris Weitz (of American Pie infamy), this tale of male mid-life angst centers around Hugh Grant's Will, an idler of hilarious proportions whose life is measured out in increments of time spent performing important tasks such as shopping for high-end electronic gadgets and gourmet snacks, and going to the hair salon. Living off a fortune earned and perpetuated by his one-hit-wonder musician father, Will has no idea his life is meaningless until he meets a 12-year-old boy whose depressed mother (Toni Collette) forces Will to provide guidance, except that the kid is far more mature than his begrudging father figure. Will can't conceive that his life is unfulfilled, and whenever anyone tries to inform him of what's missing, he digs in his heels and fights to stay a bastard, making his inevitable transformation all the more authentic. (KATHLEEN WILSON)

Bad Company
At the end of the 20th century, meteorites obsessed our cinematic nightmares (see Deep Impact, Armageddon). At the start of the 21st century, these "extinction level" meteorites have been replaced by nuclear bombs. But the nukes that spook our age are not the organized arsenal of the Cold War (Dr. Strangelove to War Games), but small, user-friendly gadgets that can fit comfortably into a laptop case. Also, these nuclear bombs are not managed by big governments but bought and sold on the open market, like used cars. This is the interesting part of Bad Company: It magnifies the most popular nightmare of the day. Outside of that, the film offers nothing but deep boredom. (CHARLES MUDEDE)

* The Bourne Identity
Reviewed this issue. Matt Damon gets all tough in this smart, violent spy thriller. (SEAN NELSON)

Changing Lanes
Samuel L. Jackson and Ben Affleck are involved in a fender-bender rendering Jackson immobile. Affleck speeds off, unknowingly leaving behind an extremely important document; a bitter Jackson misses an important custody hearing, and a grand old feud is born. Who wins? You won't care. (KUDZAI MUDEDE)

* CQ
Debut feature from Roman Coppola that turns its stylish design (it's set in Paris, 1969) to make an effective emotional story about a young filmmaker torn between Art and reality. (SEAN NELSON)

Dagon
Based on a short story by macabre master H.P. Lovecraft, Dagon tells the story of a boating accident off the coast of Spain that sends a young couple to the fishing village of Imboca looking for help. As night falls, people start to disappear and things not quite human start to appear. Paul finds himself pursued by the entire town. Running for his life, he uncovers Imboca's dark secret: that they pray to Dagon, a monstrous god of the sea. And Dagon's unholy offspring are freakish half-human creatures on the loose in Imboca.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
An insufferably Lifetime adaptation of the insufferably Oprah novel about an intergenerational cabal of insufferably quasi-Southern Gothic ladies. (TAMARA PARIS)

* Enigma
Despite its compelling story--Enigma was a Nazi encryption machine that enabled the Germans to create unbreakable codes during WWII; unbreakable, that is, until every math and science nerd in Great Britain got to working on it--and attractive cast--Dougray Scott, Kate Winslet, Jeremy Northam, Saffron Burrows--Enigma fails to generate much of the heroic suspense it aims at. (SEAN NELSON)

Enough
Jennifer Lopez has had just about enough of her abusive husband (Bill Campbell from The Rocketeer), so she takes some self-defense classes so that she can murder him! You go, girl! Movie = garbage. (KATHLEEN WILSON)

* Hollywood Ending
What a relief it is to walk out of a new Woody Allen film with something to talk about besides how young his co-stars are. Not to say that Allen's latest comedy skimps on the sexy starlets half his age cast as romantic interests; there's Téa Leoni (as his ex-wife), Debra Messing (as his current girlfriend), and Tiffani Thiessen (as the requisite voluptuous hottie who really wants to get it on with him). But Hollywood Ending has so much going for it in the way of pure laughs that it'd be a shame for the stock reading of Allen as dirty old man to prevent people from seeing it. (SEAN NELSON)

Ice Age
The recent boom in computer animation bodes well for the next generation, as their childhoods will hopefully not be squandered on lame-ass 2-D Disney musicals. Pleasant and funny, this movie is littered with enough sophisticated jokes to entertain the adults, but is really nothing more than a fast-paced, shimmering toy for kids. (BRADLEY STEINBACHER)

The Importance of Being Earnest
Rupert Everett looks terrible--his face appears to be sliding off his skull, and he's as neckless as a football player. And he should simply stop playing straight men, because he's the most unconvincing lover this side of Passions. Southerner Reese Witherspoon is far too California-girl to play an English lass, with her "I studied with the same voice coach as Gwyneth" accent. Even these quibbles aside, this new adaptation is revolting, too arch by half and with Everett and Colin Firth (who plays Jack Worthing as a kind of stuttering Hugh Grant-type) swallowing all of Oscar Wilde's best lines. You lose everything by method-acting Wilde; his charm lies in all the stagy absurdity of drawing-room social intercourse. Thank God for Judi Dench, steamrolling her way through a terrible situation. (EMILY HALL)

* Insomnia
Every once in a great while, a film comes along that breaks the "remakes-are-always-shitty" rule. Christopher Noland's Insomnia is one of those films. Not only does it match its Danish original, but in many ways it tops it--no minor feat when you take into account the fact that it stars Robin Williams as the villain. Also starring Al Pacino, Hillary Swank, and the great Martin Donovan, Noland's thriller takes its time to unfold, giving each performer ample scenery to gnaw on before arriving at a tight finale. Go see it. (Sidenote: And it's really fucking weird watching Mork fire off a shotgun.) (BRADLEY STEINBACHER)

* Late Marriage
What's best about director Dover's impressive debut chronicling the collision of sex, love, and family duty in modern-day Israel is how unsentimentally he portrays committed love, in all its forms. Whether recording a passionately ambivalent fuck between love-hungry singles or the perpetual resentment between married pairs, Late Marriage refuses to romanticize the struggles--or triumphs--of finding Love Everlasting. Plus, it's got the best sex scene I've seen in years. (DAVID SCHMADER)

* Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Right down to Frodo's face on the poster, Fellowship is all about rising above doubts (rather than stepping up to convictions), and all the special effects in the world can't convey that. Even though it's not perfect, this movie still kicks fucking ass. (SEAN NELSON)

Monsoon Wedding
At first, it seems like Mira Nair is just doing family drama. The film is stylish, brisk, witty, and beautifully filmed. But within the patchwork of marriage melodrama, Monsoon Wedding presents a subversive argument about the insidiousness of progress and its fluid relationship with tradition. (SEAN NELSON)

Murder By Numbers
Movie by numbers. Director Barbet Schroeder (Reversal of Fortune) works very hard to give psychological nuance to yet another retread of the Leopold and Loeb case; this time it's two high-school students, a "cool" kid and a geeky "smart" kid, who kill a woman to demonstrate their existential freedom and moral superiority. (BRET FETZER)

My Big Fat Greek Wedding
This romantic comedy is based on the one-woman show of Second City alumna Nia Vardalos, who also directs. It tells the story of 30-year-old Toula, who searches for love and self-realization.

The New Guy
Why is the obnoxious-dweeb-turned-obnoxious-chick-magnet plot still selling? Why do people pay money for this shit? Why? Why? No. Tell me. Why? (MEG VAN HUYGEN)

The Panic Room
The clever and tightly orchestrated twists and turns never rise above thriller formulas driven by utter clichés. (BRET FETZER)

The Rookie
In The Rookie, Dennis Quaid and Disney bring to the screen the real-life story of a baseball player-turned Texas high-school science teacher-turned baseball player. (SONIA RUIZ)

Scooby-Doo
The story is that the Mystery Inc. gang has been reunited and recruited to investigate Spooky Island, a Halloween/Mardi-Gras theme park that's inhabited by demons who steal people's souls. They're commissioned by Rowan Atkinson, who poses as a concerned proprietor but is actually evil instead. He and his demons need a completely pure soul to sacrifice for some voodoo thing, so they lured the kids there to abduct Scooby. There's a midget and a Mexican lucha libre wrestler who go around assaulting the gang. Then everybody's at a beach party, and Fred and Daphne have this sexual undercurrent, Shaggy and Scooby have a fart contest, and Velma gets drunk with some dude. It's not even non sequitur in a funny way. It's cheap and desperate. There's no place for demonic repossession and Busta Rhymes in a Hanna-Barbera production. It's a goddamned shame is what it is. (MEG VAN HUYGEN)

The Scorpion King
Dwayne Johnson, a.k.a. The Rock, brings his ham-fisted acting and perfectly sculpted eyebrows to the big screen for this adventure flick.

Spider-Man
As filmed by Sam Raimi, Spider-Man trots out a predictable (and cloyingly Victorian) boy-girl story that wastes Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst) as a screaming damsel in distress, Norman Osborn (Willem Dafoe) as a cackling villain, and Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) spouting a bunch of pre-fab platitudes. (JOSH FEIT)

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron
A cartoon about magic horses. If you like magic horses, you'll LOVE this cartoon.

* Star Wars: Episode II, Attack of the Clones
Attack of the Clones delivers exactly what you should expect from a Star Wars movie. It is big. It is fun. It is an event. From the opening surge of John Williams' familiar score, to the final optical zooming out to the words "Directed by George Lucas," Episode II lives up to the Star Wars myth--a myth that has always meant "stupid fun." Don't agree? Go back and watch the first three. (BRADLEY STEINBACHER)

* The Sum of All Fears
Despite all appearances, there are two good things about the new Tom Clancy movie with Ben Affleck as Jack Ryan. One is a bold plot twist that comes so suddenly that it reconfigures the whole experience in an instant, and almost tricks you into thinking the film is better than it is. The other good thing, almost a great thing, is the casting of Liev Schreiber in the role of John Clark, CIA spook and all-around spy genius. Clark is the grease in the gears, the genius-hero who speaks a dozen languages and can garrote a guard while hacking into a mainframe without ever being seen or heard. Schreiber came to Seattle to discuss his role, saying that his research revealed that most CIA guys are language students who get rooked into service, but whose real ambitions lie behind desks. Asked how he felt about representing this big Hollywood action picture to the press, Schreiber said, "Well, I like it. I think they did a good job. But I have to confess that the real reason has more to do with my belief that the real story lies with Clark. I think there's a lot more to that character that could--and might--be explored in a sequel. So, yes... I may have ulterior motives." (SEAN NELSON)

* Undercover Brother
At first glance, Undercover Brother just looks like a Blacksploitation Austin Powers. Which it is. Fortunately, it happens to be funnier that Austin Powers. No, seriously. I mean it. Littered with gags, some of which fire, many of which don't, it is perfect summer fare--a grand opportunity to get baked and spend an afternoon at the movies (if you're want to do that--and I'm not condoning such behavior, mind you). The story? Does it matter? (BRADLEY STEINBACHER)

Unfaithful
"Who do you suppose the target audience is for this film?" my fella whispered in the dark. "Movie execs who wanted to make another Into the Bedroom but couldn't escape their Fatal Attraction tendencies," I murmured back. "Hmm, pretty small audience. What is that--12 maybe 20 people?" "I agree that it's empty headed but this sort of soft-core suburban shopping porn might appeal to a larger segment," I answered. "Yeah, anybody who enjoys flipping through the Williams-Sonoma catalogue while on the toilet," he concluded with a snort and we turned back to the screen where another brand-new black SUV sped down a street freshly hosed down to produce the perfect pointless sheen while Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez made soft-lit, glossy love and Richard Gere pined commercially. TAMARA PARIS

Windtalkers
Nicolas Cage plays Sergeant Joe Enders, assigned to keep Private Ben Yahzee (Adam Beach), a "Windtalker" (Navajo code breaker), out of harm's way. This involves killing many, many Japanese soldiers, along with single-handedly causing more explosions than were seen in the entire Pacific Theater during the war. Such pyrotechnics are John Woo's specialty, and they are suitably impressive. The only problem is, they don't belong in this movie. As a director, Woo has always had the technical skills to take your breath away, but his New World work has been saddled with clunky, borderline-inept hokum. Simply put, when Woo isn't destroying something, his American work is riddled with cheese--cheese that is much easier to ignore in his Hong Kong work. Windtalkers is so cheesy, so clunky and hokey, that it nearly offends. The violence is topnotch, but during quiet moments and simple transitions, the film is almost laughably bad. The story of the WWII Windtalkers is fascinating, maybe even important. Unfortunately, here it has been squandered. (BRADLEY STEINBACHER)

* Y Tu Mamá También
As two Mexican teenagers frantically fuck, the boy, Tenoch (Diego Luna), pleads/demands that the girl not screw any Italians on her impending European trip with her best friend. Meanwhile, that best friend is having rushed pre-departure sex with her boyfriend, Julio (Gael Garcia Bernal), who is also Tenoch's best friend. When the girls have left, we settle down to watch these two boys spend an aimless summer. Everything gets thrown sideways when they meet a sexy older woman (that is to say, in her 20s) named Luisa. Y Tu Mamá También is a brilliant, incisive core sampling of life in Mexico. It's both slender and profound; the movie's greatest pleasures are often its smallest ones--even the title comes from a tossed-off bit of banter. Any individual moment could be trivial, silly, pointless, even embarrassing--but the accumulation of moments has a devastating scope. (BRET FETZER)