Water Drops on Burning Rocks, Aimee & Jaguar, Safe, The Art of War, The Crew, Bring It On, Kagemusha

Babe: Pig in the City
There are certain things that make you laugh. Haughty women wobbling on high heels, for example, or chimps in wigs. The talking-animal film routinely brings in such acts, and although the first Babe movie has a pink, naked joie de vivre, A Pig in the City wallows in predictability. Yes, the chimps are cute. Yes, the little kitten that meows "I'm hungry" is cute. But the plot itself is about as cute as a shot in the foot; and the kind of glaze I saw creeping over the eyes of children in the audience rivaled that found on any honey-baked ham. (Traci Vogel) Sat Aug 19. LunarFlicks Outdoor Cinema

Bloody Mama
Back again for a sixth season, Linda's Summer Movies is the original outdoor drinking/film-watching extravaganza, presented, as always, FOR FREE!! By the time the plot falls apart, you'll be too drunk to care!! This week: Shelley Winters, Bruce Dern, and a young Robert DeNiro star in this "very unpleasant" film about the Barker Gang. Wed Aug 23. Linda's Tavern

Cecil B. Demented
The annoying sneer that seems innate in Stephen Dorff is put to good use in the eponymous Cecil B. Demented. Armed with guns, a 16mm camera, and an Otto Preminger tattoo, Cecil and his crew kidnap Hollywood starlet Melanie Griffith and force her to appear in their underground opus, about the revenge unleashed upon Baltimore theaters by a ragtag group of cineastes disgruntled by the commercial failure of a Pasolini festival. The plot and locale should have keyed you that we're in John Waters territory. This is the director's most gleefully anarchic work in years--aided mightily by Griffith's smart self-caricature--and if the film's characters aren't seen with the same indulgent fondness Waters displays in his best films, it's still a suitably ridiculous delight. The perfect kissoff to the most inane lineup of summer movies in recent memory. (Bruce Reid) Opens Fri Aug 18. Neptune

The Cell
Jennifer Lopez stars in this charming tale of a mitochondrion out to explore its titular world. Featuring Vince Vaughn as a ribosome! Varsity

Criminal Lovers
Les Amants Criminel is a night-black-outlaw couple story that turns into Hansel and Gretel, a fine return to form after the "ehhh" satire of Sitcom from the still-young, bracingly clever director of See the Sea. Grainy, despairing, and sexually cruel, it's a gem if you're in the proper, bitter mood. (Ray Pride) Opens Fri Aug 18. Varsity Calendar

eKsperimen[e]nto 2000: Filipino Film Festival
A festival of experimental film and video from the Philippines. Features eclectic short films by first-time directors, all on video. Among this week's offerings: a 12-minute film called The Retrochronological Transfer of Information. Reserve your ticket! Thurs Aug 17. 911 Media Arts

Five Easy Pieces
New 35mm print of Bob Rafelson's angsty classic, starring Jack Nicholson and Karen Black. Opens Fri Aug 18; see Stranger Suggests. Grand Illusion

Funny Old Films
Hokum Hall presents this summer series of lighthearted silent films with live musical accompaniment by Professor Hokum W. Jeebs on the WurliTzer. This week includes the quiet hilarity (and present-day relevance) of Post No Bills (1923). Tues-Wed Aug 22-23. Hokum Hall

Gamera, Guardian of the Universe
The giant flying turtle of late-'60s returns for this 1995 showdown with his old nemesis, Gyaosu, the giant, laser-shooting pterodactyl. Also translated as Gamera, Giant Monster Midair Showdown. Fri-Sat Aug 18-19. Egyptian

Girl on the Bridge
Super-Frenchy Patrice Leconte directs this super-French film, staring French superstar Daniel Auteuil as a guy who throws knives at women, professionally! Opens Fri Aug 18, see Stranger Suggests. Guild 45th

Godzilla 2000
Everyone's favorite symbol of Japanese post-war cultural emasculation returns to do battle with some form of giant insect or other. Metro

The King of Marvin Gardens
The second of two Rafelson/Nicholson films playing this week. Opens Thurs Aug 17; see Stranger Suggests. Little Theatre

The Original Kings of Comedy
The Original Kings of Comedy is a concert documentary featuring stand-up comedians Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer, D. L. Hughley, and Bernie Mac. Ironically, the comedic talents of the self-proclaimed "kings" appear to draw further inspiration from Bolshevik-like, blue-collared workmanship than from the subtleness and fluency that one associates to sovereigns of a less-questionable lineage. True comedic greats have an ability, much as great drummers have, to maintain a solid underlying rhythm while impetuously improvising the tempo and pace, and the fusion of the two dynamics must appear effortless at all times. The Kings, on the other hand, toil and labor for every laugh, for every moment of comedic sincerity. If you are a fan of the comic quartet you probably won't be disappointed--it is a pretty funny show. But for the neutral looking to experience royalty, there is nothing here that HBO or Comedy Central will not readily offer, minus the price of admission. (Kudzai Mudede) Opens Fri Aug 18. Meridian 16

Raiders of the Lost Ark
AT&T's LunarFlicks Outdoor Cinema returns to Gasworks Park, for another "delightful" season of classic films enjoyed on the contaminated lawn of a rusted-out gas refinery. This week: Everybody's favorite archaeologist whups ass on the Krauts in the classic Raiders of the Lost Ark. Fri Aug 18. LunarFlicks Outdoor Cinema

Raising Arizona
The sister cinema to the Fremont Outdoor Cinema, the West Seattle Walk-In screens Joel and Ethan Coen's cult hit, starring Nicolas Cage. With pre-show music from Sizzleen. Fri Aug 18. West Seattle Walk-In Cinema

Ran
No, you cannot see it on video, because you can't see it--the colors, the textures, the detail, the three-dimensionality. I don't care how much your home entertainment center costs, this is a real movie. (And so are Kagemusha and Madadayo, showing soon at the Grand Illusion.) The only question is whether you can take your kids. Ran is the movie they hoped for when they went to Gladiator. It has more glamorous pageantry, more intricate battle scenes, more significant violence, and a way more interesting story. It speaks to us as adults about the power of revenge. They should love it. Opens Fri Aug 18. (Barley Blair) Egyptian

Steal This Movie
The charismatic clown Abbie Hoffman, who vitalized the leftist movement in the '60s, is unfairly remembered now merely for going underground for six years to escape prosecution for a drug bust that was the culmination of nearly a decade of invasive and unconstitutional persecution by the CIA's infamous agent of Fascism, the Cointelpro. He deserves a film as funny, sexy, and controversial as his life. Though Janeane Garofalo and Vincent D'Onofrio give it their best, this, unfortunately, is not it. Despite his being permanently six feet under, I'm sure this plodding biopic is giving Abbie a really bad trip. (Tamara Paris) Uptown

The Three Stooges In Orbit
A non-commercial refuge from the voracious onslaught of summer cinema directed greedily at children, the Grand Illusion's Summer Children's Film Series is back for a fourth season. This week: Moe, Larry, and Curly Joe poke out each other's eyes in outer space in The Three Stooges In Orbit (1962). Sat-Sun Aug 19-20 & Tues Aug 22. Grand Illusion

Twin Peaks/David Lynch Festival
Get ready to take that eerie road trip with Sailor and Lula, 'cause it's that time again for David Lynch devotees. Sat Aug 19; see Stranger Suggests. Seattle Art Museum

Zapatista!
Mumia et al. weigh in on Mexico's Zapatista uprising. With a post-screening discussion on "After the WTO: Fighting Corporate Globalization in Seattle, Chiapas, and beyond." Donation requested; food (tamales and anatoles) and drinks provided. Sat Aug 19. Downtown Human Services Center

*Alice et Martin
We can also note that Olivier Assayas takes a writing credit on this movie. Having just seen Cold Water, I was pleased to watch how Assayas' "drinking Arab stepfather" theme blends with Téchiné's "running for political office theme"; Assayas' taxis with Téchiné's cars; Téchiné's Spanish with Assayas' Czech. Both use those violent jump cuts, both use Bressonian water imagery, both are fascinated by fire. In a more literary vein, there are numerous connections to the work of François Mauriac. Then there's the constant use of pattern. As I say, there's a lot going on. (Barley Blair) Broadway Market

Autumn in New York
Richard "Cradle Robbing" Gere gets jiggy with Winona "Cow Eyes" Ryder. Statutory rape ensues. Aurora Cinema Grill, Factoria, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16, Metro, Redmond Town Center

Big Momma's House
In this weak comedy, Martin Lawrence plays the good guy; Terrence Howard plays the bad guy; and Nia Long is the lover of a heartless bank robber. When she suddenly disappears, the FBI stakes out her Georgia grandmother's home, but when her grandmother is suddenly called out of town on an emergency, Special Agent Martin Lawrence assumes her grandmother's role--her bed, her clothes, her big butt, her Southern drawl. (Charles Mudede) Lewis & Clark

Bless the Child
The Christ child has been snatched by Scientologists! Quick! Call in the hardened homicide detective who dropped out of the seminary! Hire interns to animate flying spooks! Lurk around a casting call for the next Street Fighter CD-ROM and hire anybody with a facial piercing! Rent a stage in Studio City that has spraypainted bricks so we'll know it's the Big Apple. Hurry, there's little time left! (Tamara Paris) Factoria, Metro, Northgate, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center

But I'm a Cheerleader
Shorts director Jamie Babbitt's feature debut is a disappointment. There should be a few more inspired laughs in its tale of Megan (Natasha Lyonne), a topnotch student cheerleader thought to be lesbian who's sent to a camp where homosexuality is "cured." (Ray Pride) Broadway Market

Chicken Run
Chicken Run is about chickens trying to escape. It is very funny and exciting; each chicken has a great sense of humor and is weird. It all starts when Rocky the Chicken comes blasting over the fence and everybody thinks he can fly. Meanwhile, something fishy is going on--Mrs. Tweedy (the farmer's wife) has a machine that lets the chickens go in and pies come out. The chickens do whatever they can to resist becoming pies. (Sam Lachow & Maggie Brown) Aurora Cinema Grill, Lewis & Clark, Metro, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center

Coyote Ugly
Coyote Ugly is not that bad at all; I'm going to list all the great things about this latest "Jerry Bruckheimer feel-good flick": (1) Melanie Lynskey (who plays the "goofy best friend") does a fabulous New Jersey accent. (2) John Goodman is adorable as Funny Dad. (3) There is a cute cat in one of the scenes. (4) The outfits are pretty. (Min Liao) Factoria, Metro, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center, Southcenter

Croupier
Mike Hodges, who directed the semi-obscure British new wave classic Get Carter, brings grace and severity to what could have just been neo-pulp. Instead, like the best pulp, Croupier becomes high lowbrow, thanks to a seasoned director's eye for detail, pneumatics, and sexy actors. (Sean Nelson) Broadway Market

Disney's The Kid
Yet another switcheroo movie about an aging robber baron achieving redemption by literally massaging his inner child. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll drain your body of the dangerous pus that makes knocking down artists' lofts to build condos so darn hard. (Tamara Paris) Aurora Cinema Grill, City Centre, Grand Alderwood

Dolphins
The dolphins steal the show in this poorly advised IMAX remake of Citizen Kane. Pacific Science Center IMAX

The Eruption of Mount St. Helens
Mount St. Helens stars in the Schwarzenegger role in this IMAX sequel to T2. Omnidome

Everest
This IMAX remake of Titanic stars Mount Everest as the ill-fated ship. Pacific Science Center IMAX

Extreme
The sequel to As Good as It Gets, filmed in IMAX. Pacific Science Center IMAX

The Five Senses
True, the masseuse, the man going deaf, the baker of cakes, the man with the sensitive sniffer, and the ophthalmologist account for each physical sense, but the film isn't about senses at all; it's about sensuality beyond the senses... a delicate, lovely portrayal of the spaces between people. (Evan Sult) Harvard Exit

The Girl Can't Help It
Was director Frank Tashlin a surreal satirist or a good gag man who cared less for character observation than anything-goes laughs? Was it cruel of him to make Jayne Mansfield the butt of so many breast jokes in The Girl Can't Help It? Are the exploding milk bottles really funny? My answers, respectively, are: the latter; yes; yes; and no. (Bruce Reid) Grand Illusion

Gladiator
War hero General Maximus (Russell Crowe) is stripped of his position by a scheming new Caesar. Escaping too late to save his family, Maximus falls into the hands of a slaver, and with the help of a former love, seeks his revenge by finding glory within the Coliseum. (Tom Spurgeon) Aurora Cinema Grill, Crest

Gone in 60 Seconds
To protect his little brother from an injurious limey, master car thief Nicolas Cage comes out of retirement, recruiting his old friends (Robert Duvall and Angelina Jolie among them) to help him steal 50 fancy cars in one night. The film is not actually good, but it's so much better than you expect it to be that it seems good, or feels good. (Sean Nelson) City Centre

*High Fidelity
A romantic comedy for guys. John Cusack plays the cynically introspective Rob Gordon, the owner of a small record store who, for various reasons, has shit luck with women. He's a jerk, basically. (Kathleen Wilson) Admiral, Crest

Hollow Man
Kevin Bacon delivers another fine, nuanced performance as the megalomaniacal scientist who uses his newfound invisibility to act out his sick, twisted sexual desires. Hey, it's a Paul Verhoeven film... what did you expect? Not a good time, I hope. (Bruce Reid) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11

Jesus' Son
What Jesus' Son addresses at every moment, in every shot, is the great question of philosophy and literature: What makes existence both trivial and all-important? In the end, Jesus' Son beautifully captures the very twilight of life, that strange space humans occupy between the very small and the very large; between everything and nothing; between possible and impossible. (Charles Mudede) Uptown

Mad About Mambo
Who is this William Ash kid? He's so charismatic and cute, he miraculously carries this entire formulaic reworking of Dirty Dancing (bizarrely strained through a sweaty Trainspotting football jersey). Unfortunately, he is paired with Keri Russell, so hideously unlikable her own demographic turned against her because of a bad haircut. (Tamara Paris) Grand Alderwood, Pacific Place 11

Me, Myself and Irene
Dildos, dog shit, the suffering of children and animals, physical disabilities, graphic violence, and Jim Carrey's rote performance beamed to the camera via satellite while he was taking a nap all conspire to make this a film that future generations will undoubtedly study as a sort of Rosetta stone of our cultural sicknesses. (Tamara Paris) Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16

Michael Jordan to the MAX
Michael Jordan stars as the missing part of Forrest Gump's brain in this IMAX version of the Oscar-winning classic. Seattle IMAX Dome Theatre

*Mission: Impossible 2
Criticizing the finer points of movies like Mission: Impossible 2 is like picking gnat shit out of pepper. I loved this movie. I loved the profligate back flips in the fight choreography; I loved the preposterous motorcycle chase/joust. But most of all, I loved the giddy sense of hyperbole and spectacle that coarsed through the whole enterprise. (Sean Nelson) City Centre

Mysteries of Egypt
The Humphrey Bogart character is played by the Sphinx in this IMAX update of Casablanca. Omnidome

Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Eddie Murphy deserves some kind of special award for playing six characters, all of whom interact with (and even perform oral sex on) one another, but the screenwriters deserve to be banished for all the lame gross-out jokes that litter the story. (Bradley Steinbacher) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11

The Opportunists
I could nitpick (for instance, who hired Christopher Walken's hairdresser?), but why? It's hot. You need air-conditioning. This is a pleasant caper movie, with good chemistry between Walken and Peter McDonald, a chance to see Cyndi Lauper, a few full laughs and many smiles, nice-looking Vera Farmiga, a Buick Riviera, odd fantasies about Irish Americans, a deliciously seedy cameo by Tom Noonan, and superb set dressing--enough miscellaneous junk to launch a major career on eBay. (Barley Blair) Varsity

The Patriot
Mel Gibson stars as Benjamin Martin, a sweet single father of seven who refuses to enter the brewing Revolutionary War because of his troubled past. But after being outraged when son number two is gunned down by a nasty Brit, you know the Gib will soon be unpacking his deadly tomahawk in the name of "FREEEEEDOOOMMMM!" (Gillian G. Gaar) Grand Alderwood, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16

The Perfect Storm
In its favor, The Perfect Storm has two superlatives: George Clooney and some fine, boiling seas. Unfortunately, the film itself--fraught with ham-fisted drama; painfully stupid dialogue; downright insulting characterizations; and some of the worst accent coaching ever--is awful. (Jamie Hook) Aurora Cinema Grill, Grand Alderwood, Meridian 16, Pacific Place 11

The Replacements
So I had lots of wine, and what do I think about this fucking film? It's impossible to believe that all that money went into it. Now, my parents were in town from Africa last week, and they told me things are getting worse, people are hungry and starving. Well, what does this have to do with this film? Waste! That's what. Waste. Waste of time, waste of food. Waste of money. (Charles Mudede) Grand Alderwood, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16, Metro, Oak Tree

Saving Grace
Brenda Blethyn stars as a sheltered, small-town woman, newly widowed and destitute, who with the aid of her gardener Craig Ferguson turns to growing marijuana as a source of income. If you've seen a Cheech and Chong film, you've seen every gag here. (Bruce Reid) Guild 45th, Uptown

Scary Movie
Originally titled Scream If You Know What I Did Last Halloween, the only thing scary about this movie is the script. In addition to quick parodies of dozens of teen horror flicks, Scary Movie is largely a satire of the Scream films--which are already satires (go figure). Though it certainly has some knee-slappers, most of the infantile jokes simply go on way too long. (Melody Moss) Meridian 16, Redmond Town Center

Shaft
John Singleton's Shaft is uninspired; it just pushes black macho beyond the limit of good taste and utility. The way Shaft brutally beats up the drug-dealing teenager with the butt of his gun, the way he calmly guns down the Latino gang members or nearly kills the judge with his badge--it's a little too much, you will agree. (Charles Mudede) Uptown

Shanghai Noon
Even the presence of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson can't save this revisionist Western action comedy from the musty odor of the second-rate. Wilson and his co-star are to be credited for occasionally rising above the material, but there are much better ways to spend a summer afternoon. (Tom Spurgeon) Admiral

Shower
Set in a wheezy old building in an overlooked corner of an ageless city, a bathhouse serves as the social hub of an elderly fraternity. Contrary to what the lady's bottom in the advertisement promises, this film is populated almost exclusively by melancholic old men who predictably complain about youth and argue among themselves. Shower is comfort food for the cinema--bland, but soothing. (Jamie Hook) Seven Gables

Small Time Crooks
Woody Allen's 2000 entry is one of his unambitious, hoping-only-to-amuse movies. Too bad it's unoriginal, not very amusing, and a near waste of some of this world's greatest comic talent: Tracey Ullman, Elaine May, and Jon Lovitz. (Eric Fredericksen) Crest

Space Cowboys
Alongside voting and worrying about your body, one of your duties as an American is to see every Clint Eastwood film released, regardless of individual failures, hyperbole, plot holes, or any other mitigating factors whatsoever. He alone has earned that right. Factoria, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16, Metro, Oak Tree, Redmond Town Center

T-Rex: Back to the Cretaceous
A spirited IMAX remake of Gone With the Wind, starring a digitally created lizard. Pacific Science Center IMAX

The Tao of Steve
Chunky, attitudinal Dex (an extraordinarily charming Donal Logue, a prizewinner at Sundance) teaches kindergarten. He's great with women and drifting a decade out of college when an old college friend shows up and doesn't fall for his line. Hyperarticulate and hypersexed, Dex must learn the meaning of his words and his heart. Funny stuff. (Ray Pride) Harvard Exit

Thomas and the Magic Railroad
What's so odd and disturbing about this putative children's film is that it can imagine no greater or nobler human endeavor than hard, unpleasant work. Of all the villainous acts committed by the evil diesel locomotive, none is as blasphemous as when he mocks a verse from "I've Been Working on the Railroad": "Who," he asks (quite rightly in my opinion) "wants to work a lifelong day?" Can't anybody, even a little blue steam engine, dream of doing more than just hauling coal around all day? (Bruce Reid) Meridian 16, Redmond Town Center

What Lies Beneath
A well-preserved pair of thoroughbred movie stars find that all is not well in their gorgeous New England home, what with the dead girl in the tub and all. The whole damn thing is ripped right out of the Hitchcock how-to manual, so of course it succeeds fantastically at its admittedly simple goal: scaring you so badly you throw your popcorn all over the people in the row behind you. (Tamara Paris) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Meridian 16, Oak Tree

*X-Men
Were I still an active participant in the X-Family, I'd probably soil myself with delight. Most of the main characters are dead-on. Cyclops (James Marsden) is a total prig, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is badass, and it's obvious why they'd gut each other just to kiss the lovely Jean Gray (Famke Janssen). Beyond that, the action is thrilling, the effects stunning, and the story generally satisfying. In short, it's just what comic-book fans want from a comic-book film. (Jamie S. Rich) Cinerama, Factoria, Metro, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center