We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

Senator Prescott Bush's grandson—known to you as President "W" or something—is a moron. I was no moron. I'm dead now, but when I was head of the FBI, I ran COINTELPRO, the bureau's spying and counterintelligence operation, which enabled me to destroy the Black Panthers, Martin Luther King Jr., the Socialist Workers Party, Nation of Islam, and Bobby Kennedy. We knew how to spy on Americans. We spied on them for 15 years!

This Bush kid gets ratted out by the New York Times after just four. How the hell did that happen? For crying out loud, the New York Times never caught me, and I was spying on them! If the pantywaists at the New York Times were onto this so-called intelligence operation, don't you think these al Qaeda terrorists have been onto it too?

This is not a good operation. Bush got caught already? After spying on, what's the number, 18,000 Americans? That's one in every 16,000. That gets you, what, 231 people, something like that, in greater Seattle, spied on illegally without their knowledge? Give me a goddamn break. That's not enough. What does this guy Bush think he's in charge of—a superpower or a summer camp?

My friend A. Birch Steen asked me to write a "regret" for this—what is this? A newspaper? Here it is: I regret I'm not in charge anymore. I regret COINTELPRO isn't around anymore. Now, we knew how to spy on Americans...