We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

As ultrasound vibrations pierce my dreams,
Bringing a vision that frightens me cold
Of Operating Thetans' crackpot schemes:
Ripping off stars and fans who are told
That only through cash and audits galore
May mortals ascend to L. Ron's Sea Org.
Ev'ry detail I hear sickens me more;
Now instead of life I yearn for the morgue.
Oh what is this fate to which I am doomed?
Woman who follows Tom like a puppy,
Man a Bedlamite, and me here enwombed
Awash in fluid like some brainless guppy.
Mom, in your uterus I have suffered enough—
Ah, I wish I'd implanted in Hilary Duff!