Holiday Guide

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

Holiday Fun with Unitarians

Fight Gifts

Fake African Christmas

Flight Gifts

My Mean Mom

Whadda Ya Want?

Gratitude

No Gifts at Hanukkah

Christmas of Death

Grandma Bernice

Merry Christ-Ass!

Dog Bite

Christmas in Vegas

The Dark Ornament

Leaving Ohio

Craps for Christmas

Good Ol' Uncle Merrill

Riding Santa's Sleigh

Ho Ho Hork!

No More Christmas

Obsession & Lights

Christmas in Israel

Higher Than Jesus

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Incredibly Useful and Puritanically Practical Gift Guide

The Gift Bitch

We are doomed. The world as we know it is steaming toward one big-ass iceberg and there's nothing we can do about it. With the holidays fast approaching, why would you even consider wasting time and money buying gifts for somebody else? This year, smart holiday shoppers will be blowing their budgetary wads on no one but themselves. Call it nihilistic, even hedonistic, but Holiday Season 2001 will be all about bridge-burning, credit-card-maxing, take-no-prisoners self-gratification.

SLEEP AROUND!

During tragic times, nothing is as comforting as shallow sexual contact. During normal times, such an activity would most surely be frowned upon (lest you be labeled a "slut" and/or find yourself the recipient of some nefarious STD), but with the world ending, who cares? Live it up! After all, what have you got to lose? Why not pick some

one up at a bar, or even revisit a past flame? Hell, you could even schedule a little quality time with a "massage therapist"--IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

GET DRUNK AND STAY DRUNK!

When the world ends, do you want to be stone sober, or completely blotto? Blotto, I am sure... which is why sweet, sweet booze is so important. But don't just settle for rot-gut. Go for the expensive stuff: Maker's Mark! Courvoisier! Ballantine's! Using your credit card (see below), you'll be able to splurge on expensive spirits, and get plowed just like the rich and famous--IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

EAT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

Maybe you're one of those folks who watches what they eat, hitting the gym a couple times a week, blah blah blah. With the world as we know it flushing away, it's time to ditch your healthy regime and give in to your most base gastronomic desires. Do you like steak? Have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! And wash it down with doughnuts and tequila! Looking for a yummy bedtime snack? Nothing sends you off to the Land of Nod like a bacon double cheeseburger! And did you know that one ton of cheese costs only $6,490? Buy a ton and eat it! Eat it all! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

RUIN YOUR CREDIT!

Your personal credit rating won't mean crap once the world has ended, so why not rack up a crushing debt? You'll need a lot of dough-re-mi to buy all that pricey booze and square tons of cheese, and running up your credit is the perfect solution to any monetary obstacle that may arise during your hedonistic holiday. So take every credit card you can get your hands on, and max it out as quickly as possible. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

BURN EVERY BRIDGE IN TOWN!

We all know someone who annoys the living shit out of us, or has burned us in the past, or gossips about us behind our back. And, sure, usually we would try to keep things as cordial as possible. But with all this impending doom, do you really care how some chump you despise perceives you? Hell no! So tell the dicks in your life that they're dicks. Call the assholes assholes. Spit in the face of those you despise. Inform bad lovers they were shitty in the sack--IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

DO DRUGS--ALL OF THEM!

As with booze, drugs serve as a primo exit ramp out of our doomed world. High out of your mind, the shit of the world becomes nothing but a blur, and why bother with moderation (much less rehab) when you're on the way out? So snort every line! Take every pill! Chug every brand of cough syrup! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

BREAK THE LAW!

With the world's clock ticking away, now's the time to indulge your long-repressed criminal desires. So get tanked, get out there, and do it! Shoplift! Forge! Peep! Dine 'n' dash! Jaywalk! If the fuzz catches you--run! What's the worst that can happen? Getting shot in the back is as good a way as any to exit this steaming hell hole. It just doesn't matter.