Son of a bitch. Fuck South Dakota and those scheming little pro-“life” assholes. They didn’t wait long to take their shiny new Supreme Court out for a spin, did they? I remember all the promises about how these two uptight ideologues wouldn’t have any effect on the Roe v. Wade question like it was yesterday. Oh wait, that was yesterday. Fuck.

Of course, not all South Dakotians are behind this invasion in utero. A whopping 25 percent of the residents of the Coyote State support banning abortion outright. So what is wrong with those assholes in Pierre? It’s the same fucking thing that’s screwy with all the other “Family Valueszealots. They just love telling the rest of us how to behave, but the logic they use makes George Costanza sound like Stephen Fucking Hawking.

Helping you create a space uniquely yours for work or play, with style and art, your way.
Custom framing, photo frames, printing on metal, paper and canvas.

Like, let’s take Bill Napoli, Head Baby-Saver-in-Chief and general sponsor of bills that would make Mother Teresa do a spit take. Just in case you haven’t heard it yet, here’s Bill explaining how someone who wasn’t on death’s doormat could get an abortion under the Taliban – sorrySouth Dakota bill:

“A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.”

Hang on one motherfucking second. The only women this asshole thinks should be allowed to get abortions are the ones who never miss church? What kind of ass-backward, bullshit argument is that? Is this the new virginity promotion plan? Keep your hymen intact, pray on your knees every night, and if you’re unlucky enough to get brutally raped in one of Bill Napoli’s fantasies (and sodomized, nice touch), you’ll be able to get your abortion nice and legal-like, provided the whole experience has left your noggin fried to a tender golden crisp. That, right there, is fucking brilliant. Can we outlaw prime rib for everyone but the vegans next?

And yes, Senator Napoli is the same fucker who says that most abortions these days are for, no kidding, “convenience.” Because taking a pill or slapping on a piece of latex is way, way less convenient than spending your afternoon in stirrups while strangers poke at your private bits with hoses and forceps.

Exactly where did these fuckers get the idea that people are getting abortions like it’s a walk in the park? “Oh shit, I got so wrapped up teaching my kids to be gay that I completely forgot to get my abortion! I sure hope they can murder this baby on Friday or it’s going to completely screw up my weekend.”

But that’s not the biggest lie these fuckers are peddling. Anyone who’s taken an intro to stats course can tell you that there’s no relationship at all between whether abortion is illegal and how many abortions people get. In fact, countries that do have bans in place have some of the highest rates of abortion on the fucking planet. And, here’s a shocker, they also have the most women dying when they get one.

And it’s not just because they’re getting invasive procedures from amateurs. It’s that instead of preventing abortion, pro-life laws just put them off until they’re more dangerous. So those same assholes who are tsk-tsking about the rise in late-term abortions? They’re the ones who are fucking causing them.

Sorry – too many numbers for your little heads to crunch? It’s not about statistics, it’s about personal responsibility? Whatever – we’re not completely blind to your fucking double standards. We know that what you scream at the TV cameras has nothing to do what what you actually do.

It’s easy to be an extremist when it’s not your daughter picking out a maternity dress for her junior prom. When the oats hit the millstone, you fuckers find a way to get your mind around abortion being okay just this one time because your special flower can’t be bothered with changing diapers while she’s working full-time as a sidewalk counselor.

So let’s drop the caring about the babies bullshit, okay? There are more kids in protective custody in South Dakota than there were abortions last year, so if you’re done pushing bloody photos in Sally’s face when she shows up for her pap smear, how about swinging by children’s services and giving one of those whippersnappers a home. Or do your politics stop at the edge of the vaginal canal?

And just this once, can we leave your fucking megachurches out of this debate? You’re basing your politics on stories passed down for hundreds of years before anyone bothered to put them down in ink? You guys so never played Telephone growing up, did you? Some vicar tells you that the Almighty is using pack animals and sewing implements to make decisions about who gets into the Happy Place and you’re all, I make the check out to whom? You don’t think maybe Brother Brewmeister might have mistranslated whole sections of your moral code, do you? What’s next, getting into heaven is as hard as riding a thoroughbred through a buttonhole? Jesus fucking Christ, is there anything they can say that you won’t believe?

And that’s just the New Testament, where things don’t get much stranger than, “I wave my magic wand and... shazam! Fifty trout and a bucket of pumpernickel!” Most of you pious fuckers are taking your cues from the ancient scrolls where Thor starts flinging frogs and giving us pimples when he doesn’t get his way.

“Dude. Your wife’s a spice rack. What the fuck did she say to Yahweh?”

Don’t even try and play this off like it’s just a bunch of prairie extremists who are pushing this radical agenda. It’s just that South Dakota’s legislature is willing to admit what the pro-life movement is really after: forced pregnancy. And they’re not the only dicks who want their chicks barefoot and knocked up – assholes in at least 10 other states are preparing to turn a procedure that more than a third of American women get at some point during their lives into a fucking felony.

And while one hand is knocking down abortion clinics, the other is stealing our rubbers and trying to convince us that “abstinence is cool!” is the only answer kids should get to the whole “Where do babies come from?” line of questioning.

Abstinence. Now there’s a workable curriculum if I ever heard one. Look, do you really think you’re gonna get a bunch of hormone-soaked highschoolers to keep it in their pants because their teachers say it’s the right thing to do? You dickheads put the “Holy” in “Holy fuck, have you ever actually met a teenager?”

Okay, okay, you save-it-for-the-honeymooners might manage to get a few teens to hold off on the wild thing for a year or so, but those same abstinence-only classes are driving the kiddos to do the wilder thing.

That’s right you self-righteous dickheads, while you’re bragging about how your youngsters are getting it on with the Silver Ring Thing and saving themselves for their nuptial night, they’re out blowing each other in the back of your SUV and rediscovering those classic Butthole Surfers albums, if you know what I mean. Which lesson plan has the part about how the Slippery Cowgirl is a good alternative to Premarital Missionary?

Y’all keep peddling this abstinence bullshit and you’re gonna wish your little tykes were fucking like rabbits. At least bunnies stick to the straight-up doggy style — your kids are doing shit that would make Jenna Jameson snap her legs shut.

No, seriously. You think the big porn stars are assfucking without a condom? And those guys get paid, motherfucker. Your kids are having unsafe sex as a fucking hobby.

And are you sure you want to be promoting a vow of celibacy at this point in the news cycle, Cardinal NAMBLA?

While we’re talking sodomy, you bible humpers are gonna have to decide where you come down on the Going Down question. Is it sex, or isn’t it? You’re fucked either way, so I’ll make it easy on you – it’s sex. Someone makes someone else cum, and that’s the end of that. Or the beginning if you’re lucky. So, yes, Virginia, Clinton was having the sex with Monica in the study with the candlestick – um – cigar.

Speaking of shooting people in the face, y’all better stop complaining that we're making too big a deal out of Cheney’s little hunting mishap. It might not have anything to do with his job performance, but you fuckers impeached Bubba when he unloaded on his partner, and that shit was a whole lot less painful.

And besides, abortion rates dropped faster while Bubba was getting busy in the West Wing than when Mr. Born Again and Again took the throne. What was that? You’re all about a Culture of Life? Turns out if you don’t have a Culture of Don’t Send My Job to Mexico to go with it, we’re not all that interested in listening to some silver spooner shovel that morality shit down our throats.

See, the problem here is your Intelligent Designer didn’t engineer no fucking automatons. People just don’t take orders like you think they do. Just Say No! You bet - just let me take one more hit. No smoking! (Cough) Sure thing, boss. Don’t eat that dirt! Mrnfph?

Just ask the Catholics if you don’t believe me. Could the Pope be any clearer on the abortion question? Go on, take a stab at how that affects the behavior of the masses in the masses. Jesus Christ, don’t you see this shit coming by now? Their abortion rates are almost the same as the national average. And when I say almost I mean slightly higher. It’s sort of like everything you believe is wrong. Oh wait, it’s exactly like that.

So if God’s super shepherd can’t convince his flock to to stop with the abortions, what do you think the chances are that some perverted Senator from Rabid City is gonna bring this whole thing to a grinding halt?

It ain’t gonna fucking happen. This is one of those places where the supply-siders actually know what they’re talking about. Want to stop abortions? Get those kids an instruction manual before they start messing around with their fucking equipment. You’re not going stop them from doing the purple piledriver, so get over yourselves and start handing out the hard hats before they show up at your door asking, “Mommy, is my wonderwand supposed to ooze like this?”

See, nature’s not on your side, you nattering nabobs of nativity. You can wax nostalgic about the good ol’ days all you want, but you’re in for a fucking surprise if we wind up winding back that clock. Check your history books, assholes: Back when abortion was illegal and contraception was just a forbidden apple in some pharmacist’s eye, American abortion rates were more than five fucking times higher than they are today.

So, class, what have we learned in Sex Ed today? The pro-life movement is just fucking with us when they say they want to end abortion, trying to stop teenagers from having sex is like stepping in front of a freight train with a doorstop, and Republican lectures on moral turpitude make Montgomery Burns seem vaguely trustworthy.

You want to live in your own little fantasy world? Great – just take your pretend virgins and your blissful ignorance of statistics and your Right-To-Life-As-Long-As-It’s-Not-My-Daughter-Who’s- Got-A-Bun-In-The-Broiler with you when you head back to the Garden of Eden. We’ll all be back here in the real world enjoying our Right to Fuck.