THE GIFT OF YOUTH
Forget the collagen lip-injection craze of the early '90s: Those plump, puckered Goldie Hawn smackers have gone the way of the Spice Girls and butterfly barrettes! A much better choice for the "mature" lady is a Botox injection!! Mmmm, just think of it: A shot of Botox -- a form of the toxin which causes botulism (but don't worry about that) -- right into the forehead/eye area, and buh-bye crow's feet! In just seven to 10 days, she'll be looking in the mirror at smooth, line-free skin and a youthful disposition. So call her favorite dermatologist or aesthetic surgeon today! (Note: Botox injections -- which smooth the skin by paralyzing facial muscles and nerves -- generally last from three to five months, and single injections range from $150 and up. Extremely high doses or frequent injections may produce serious damage and cause a person to have absolutely no facial expression whatsoever.)
Call her doctor for details.
THE GIFT OF YOUTH FOR CHEAPSKATES
If your sweetie craves the glamorous experience of Botox between the eyes, but you don't want to shell out the dough, don't despair! Professional makeup artists agree: Dabbing a bit of Preparation H hemorrhoid cream ($5-$7) around the eye area will render a similarly rejuvenating effect. Swollen, puffy, stress-lined skin becomes as fresh and taut as a 15-year-old supermodel's! Results are temporary, of course, but Preparation H will surely get your darling through that stressful cocktail party or class reunion. Burning and itching may occur, but who cares! She'll look fabulous!
Available at most drug stores.
Femail Creations is offering the ultimate women's gift: A 10" wall clock (perfect for any kitchen) made of durable, quality plastic, inscribed with the sentiment every woman knows deep in her heart: "Loving really is the whole point." Rimmed in rosy pink with a virginal white background, and dotted with stars, moons, and hearts, the delicate hands of this wise clock tick-tock around the profound passage. At only $29 plus $5.75 for shipping and handling, don't wait to order! She'll loooove this daily affirmation! Also available from Femail Creations: the "Succulent Wild Woman" daily calendar ($10)!
Send check or money order to Femail Creations, Order Dept, 2925 E Patrick Lane, Suite M, Las Vegas, NV 89120.
ASTON MARTIN DB7 VANTAGE VOLANTE
For the true wild woman, nothing says "You're worth it!" more than a hot ride! And that's exactly what Victoria's Secret is offering as one of their dazzling "Millennial Fantasy Gifts"! Believe us, your special lady would love to cruise around in an Aston Martin DB7 Vantage Volante two-door convertible (lovingly painted in "Powder Puff," a popular pink from Victoria's Secret cosmetics). Complete with Connolly leather upholstery, walnut interior veneers, a six-speaker sound system, CD auto-changer, voice-activated mobile phone, satellite navigation system (cuz she's always getting lost on the road), and remote alarm system, this baby is the pinnacle of luxury and feminine charm! But wait! That's not all! The car also comes with a Connolly leather luggage set, handsome driving gloves, and a touring espresso kit. All this, plus her gratitude forever, for the bargain price of just $200,000! And just think how cheap those car tabs will be thanks to I-695! Vrroooom....
Call 1-800-555-5861 for more details, or send inquiries to Victoria's Secret, North American Office, P.O. Box 16589, Columbus, OH 43216. Checks or credit cards only. Do not send cash.
This holiday season, forget about the old standbys for the man in your life -- the neckties, socks, and subscriptions to Sports Illustrated. Instead of buying him things he doesn't really want or need, why not buy him what you really want? Gifts with ulterior motives are always the best!
Are you fed up with leaky condoms, belly-bloating birth control pills, and those annoying IUD puncture wounds? Give the gift of permanent birth control -- vasectomy! By far the safest, most reliable, and cheapest long-term form of baby-prevention, the modern "no-scalpel" vasectomy technique promises your man a minimum of pain and inconvenience -- the whole procedure only takes 10 minutes! And rest assured, his sexual performance will not be harmed in any way. Total cost $425.
The Vasectomy Clinic, Lakeview Medical Dental Building, 3216 NE 45th Place, Suite 220, www.thevasectomyclinic.org. Call 1-800-636-4090 for a free 7-page information booklet.
VASECTOMY FOR CHEAPSKATES
Too cheap to pay for your man's vasectomy? Get the goods for a home operation! Required tools: cuticle scissors ($12-$15); roll of gauze tape ($1.50-$3.50); surgical anatomy textbook (free from public library); matches for cauterizing (free from any bar); poppy tea for anesthesia ($8-$10 for bunch of dried poppy heads, $10-$20 for a "spice" grinder, $10-$15 for Jim Hogshire's book Opium for the Masses). Total cost: $40-$65. Not for the squeamish.
Supplies available from drug/department stores, floral shops, and bookstores.
CAR FART-SMELL REMOVER
Sick of being fumigated by his disgusting bodily emissions in the trapped-air of a moving vehicle? By emitting "negative ions," the Auto Air Purifier "neutralizes offensive odors in your car"! Sure, it eliminates "wet pet, mildew, and tobacco smoke" odors as well, but we know what it's really for! Simply plug the device into your cigarette lighter and let the "faint ozone scent" take over any lingering flatulence. $50 ($24.97 for AAA members) + $6.99-$9.99 for shipping.
AAA Members' Marketplace, P.O. Box 10, Bensalem, PA, 19020-0010, 1-800-631-4222.
VENUS 2000: THE ULTIMATE MASTURBATION MACHINE
There is no end to the possible recipients for this coveted gift: too-horny current lovers, pitiable ex-lovers, whiny male friends, laid-off Microsofties -- you name it! Pricey though it may be, this "alternative to other forms of sex" is a long-term investment, with a 45-day trial period and a two-year warranty. After a house call, which involves a custom fitting and a "demo," this "hands-free" device offers a "stroking effect" created through positive and negative air pressures forced through a hose. A sales rep claims that "most guys are amazed!" $835, $45 trial/demo.
Call 909-8674 evenings & weekends.
Do you know a man who has a talent for cooking, but doesn't want to look like a wuss in front of the guys? Buy him a bag of NFL Pasta -- the noodles are shaped like footballs and the logo of his favorite team! Your reluctant chef can maintain his masculine dignity while cookin' up enough for the whole gang! We'll have none of that fru-fru angel hair stuff here -- this is a manly man's pasta! Recipes included. Seattle Seahawks not available. $3.98 + $3.98 shipping.
Harriet Carter ("Distinctive Gifts Since 1958"), Dept 39, North Wales, PA 19455, www.harrietcartergifts.com, 1-800-377-7878.