Are you fed up with leaky condoms, belly-bloating birth control pills, and those annoying IUD puncture wounds? Give the gift of permanent birth control -- vasectomy! By far the safest, most reliable, and cheapest long-term form of baby-prevention, the modern "no-scalpel" vasectomy technique promises your man a minimum of pain and inconvenience -- the whole procedure only takes 10 minutes! And rest assured, his sexual performance will not be harmed in any way. Total cost $425.
The Vasectomy Clinic, Lakeview Medical Dental Building, 3216 NE 45th Place, Suite 220, www.thevasectomyclinic.org. Call 1-800-636-4090 for a free 7-page information booklet.
VASECTOMY FOR CHEAPSKATES
Too cheap to pay for your man's vasectomy? Get the goods for a home operation! Required tools: cuticle scissors ($12-$15); roll of gauze tape ($1.50-$3.50); surgical anatomy textbook (free from public library); matches for cauterizing (free from any bar); poppy tea for anesthesia ($8-$10 for bunch of dried poppy heads, $10-$20 for a "spice" grinder, $10-$15 for Jim Hogshire's book Opium for the Masses). Total cost: $40-$65. Not for the squeamish.
Supplies available from drug/department stores, floral shops, and bookstores.
CAR FART-SMELL REMOVER
Sick of being fumigated by his disgusting bodily emissions in the trapped-air of a moving vehicle? By emitting "negative ions," the Auto Air Purifier "neutralizes offensive odors in your car"! Sure, it eliminates "wet pet, mildew, and tobacco smoke" odors as well, but we know what it's really for! Simply plug the device into your cigarette lighter and let the "faint ozone scent" take over any lingering flatulence. $50 ($24.97 for AAA members) + $6.99-$9.99 for shipping.
AAA Members' Marketplace, P.O. Box 10, Bensalem, PA, 19020-0010, 1-800-631-4222.
VENUS 2000: THE ULTIMATE MASTURBATION MACHINE
There is no end to the possible recipients for this coveted gift: too-horny current lovers, pitiable ex-lovers, whiny male friends, laid-off Microsofties -- you name it! Pricey though it may be, this "alternative to other forms of sex" is a long-term investment, with a 45-day trial period and a two-year warranty. After a house call, which involves a custom fitting and a "demo," this "hands-free" device offers a "stroking effect" created through positive and negative air pressures forced through a hose. A sales rep claims that "most guys are amazed!" $835, $45 trial/demo.
Call 909-8674 evenings & weekends.
Do you know a man who has a talent for cooking, but doesn't want to look like a wuss in front of the guys? Buy him a bag of NFL Pasta -- the noodles are shaped like footballs and the logo of his favorite team! Your reluctant chef can maintain his masculine dignity while cookin' up enough for the whole gang! We'll have none of that fru-fru angel hair stuff here -- this is a manly man's pasta! Recipes included. Seattle Seahawks not available. $3.98 + $3.98 shipping.
Harriet Carter ("Distinctive Gifts Since 1958"), Dept 39, North Wales, PA 19455, www.harrietcartergifts.com, 1-800-377-7878.