TATTOO REMOVAL
Nothing says "What were you thinking?" like tattoo removal! If your friend with poor judgment is as tired of looking at her Black Flag bar codes as you and the rest of her friends, then she'll surely appreciate a gift certificate from the Cosmetic Dermatology Clinic. An initial consultation at the Cosmetic Dermatology Clinic costs just $81, and each laser treatment costs $290. The larger and more ill-advised your friend's tattoo, the more treatments it will take to remove. Remember: The only thing uglier than an ugly tattoo is an ugly, half-removed tattoo. Instead of a gift certificate, why not demonstrate your own good judgment by leaving your credit card number on file with the good folks at the Cosmetic Dermatology Clinic? That way your loved one can return again and again until her tattoo is just an ugly memory. Please note: N-laser treatments cannot remove green or yellow.
Cosmetic Dermatology Clinic, 1530 N 115th, Suite 203, 365-8600.
DIVORCE
You begged her not to, but your best friend walked down the aisle anyway, promising to love, honor, and obey a man who was clearly a flaming jerk -- and you told her so, getting yourself kicked out of the wedding party and "uninvited" to the reception! Now that your friend has realized her husband is a no-good, low-down, lying, cheating scumbag -- just like you tried to warn her! -- give her the gift of freedom! Filing divorce papers on behalf of a friend with poor judgment is quick, easy, and inexpensive. Just drive on down to the King County Superior Courthouse and head up to the sixth floor. The forms will cost you just $16 if your friend is still childless, or $31 if your friend was foolish enough to have kids by her oaf of a husband. There's also a one-time $120 filing fee in Washington state. A no-fault divorce takes at least 90 days to finalize, so act now, and your friend can be free by Valentines Day!
The King County Superior Courthouse is located at 516 Third Ave in downtown Seattle. Or, call 296-9300 to order by phone.
DETOX
No matter how many times you warn 'em that the shit they're on -- the booze, the drugs, the dope -- is going to get them, some poor friends just can't seem to stop. "I'm an addict!" they cry, digging around for a fresh vein or a mini-bottle of Maker's Mark. Well, imagine the look of surprised delight on the puffy, red face of the substance abuser in your life when you give him the gift of emergency detoxification! Medication makes the three to six day stay at Seattle's cozy Recovery Center in beautiful Beacon Hill pleasant, and these days there's a medicine for almost every addiction. Heroin detox starts at $740, and alcohol detox at $450. While prices vary depending on the drug or drugs involved, packages do include a complimentary physical. Please note: Involuntary detoxification is only available for known junkies. You can pay with cash, money order, or cashier's check.
Recovery Center, 1701 18th Ave S, 325-5000.
BODYGUARD
Whether your friend is a threat to himself and others, merely accident prone, or, like Mark Sidran, just good at making enemies, we've got the perfect gift suggestion. Rent a bodyguard for the day! You'll feel safer knowing you bought a guard from Interstate Protective Services, which is owned by a former Seattle cop. IPS' protective services costs a flat $25 per hour.
To order, call Interstate Protective Services at 242-3226.
BALLOT INITIATIVE
Last year, Popeil's Pocket Bicycle Brake Cable Snippers was the holiday season's hottest gift for people with poor judgment. This year's hottest gift? The statewide ballot initiative, of course! Since Tim "I-695" Eyman proved that any idiot can pass a ballot initiative, why not the idiot in your life? Simply draft a resolution on behalf of your witless friend -- be sure to use the words "tax" and "reduction" in the text! -- and file it with the state (for a $5 fee). He'll be so busy gathering the 300,000 signatures he needs to get his gift initiative on the ballot, he won't have time to make ill-advised marriage proposals, get tattoos, or do more drugs. And come election day, your friend will feel a little less foolish when hundreds of thousands of Washington state voters go to the polls and prove that they have poor judgment, too.
To order your initiative forms call Washington State Information at 800-321-2808.
