If you really love your family (and are not simply pulling of a fantastically complex charade), then you should alert them to the impending apocalypse that is sure to follow the millennial turnover. And what better way to say "I've got your back" than to give gifts that will protect them from the teeming hordes of looters prepared to rob them out of house and home!


Your loved one is obviously a very important person. And very important people carry equally important papers in their briefcases -- important papers that a back-alley-skulking government agent, or possibly even a crafty identity thief, would love to get their hands on. Well, your loved one will say, "Let 'em try!" because when these nefarious characters try to pick up the Shocking Briefcase, they will get the shock of their lives -- like 50,000 volts worth! Your loved one will laugh with glee as the louts twist and writhe in pain on the ground.

Available for $499.95 at Spy-PI Connection, 1811 Eastlake, 583-0560.


Looters are both despicable and tricky! So out-trick the looters while keeping your loved one's treasured valuables safe with the "Love My Carpet" aerosol can safe. Disguised to look like an actual can of the homemaker's favorite aerosol product, the "Love My Carpet" safe not only fools the common thief, but also keeps carpets smelling fresh with a pleasing "Ocean Splash" fragrance.

Available for $24.95 at Spy-PI Connection, 1811 Eastlake, 583-0560.


Is your loved one tired of discharging his unregistered firearm at intruders, only to be unnecessarily hassled by the cops? Who isn't? Then you should buy him the new wave of protective weaponry: the 18" blow gun! Simply dip the sharp dart in curare (or any favorite poison), load into the blowgun, and blow... Blow... BLOW that felon away! Say goodbye to cumbersome silencers! Gunpowder burns are a thing of the past! They'll never know what hit them! Your loved one simply has to roll the intruder up in a carpet, dump them in the river, and no one (especially the pigs!) will be the wiser! Thanks, 18" Blow Gun!

Available for $14.95 at Spy-PI Connection, 1811 Eastlake, 583-0560.


How many times has this happened to your loved ones? One of them is taking a leisurely walk through the woods, when she suddenly falls into a pit trap, impaling herself on punji sticks? Frankly, it's embarrassing! Well, make sure this never happens again by giving her Tony L. Jones' authoritative book, Booby Trap Identification. She'll learn to spot places where booby traps are commonly employed, as well as "the 11 signs of a booby trap," including: acid traps, pit traps, and nobody's favorite, fragmentation grenades.

Available for $18.95 at Spy-PI Connection, 1811 Eastlake, 583-0560.


Uncommunicative boyfriends -- what a pain! Your friend knows her beau has been stepping out, but how does she prove it? Now she can get the truth straight from the jackass' mouth with this informative new book, Make 'Em Talk: Principles of Military Interrogation, by Patrick McDonald. Inside, she'll find helpful, easy-to-use tips that have been successfully employed by the masters of interrogation: the deadly Koreans, the cruel Vietnamese, the crafty Iraqis, and of course, the dirty stinking Krauts. Your loved one will make that no-good man spill his guts the old-fashioned way -- through torture and interrogation. He'll love her for it!

Available for $14.95 at Spy-PI Connection, 1811 Eastlake, 583-0560.