A METICULOUSLY RESEARCHED TEAM HISTORY
· 1969: Baseball arrives in Seattle via the Seattle Pilots. The team sucks and by the end of the season files for bankruptcy. Team is moved to Milwaukee after just one season and eventually becomes the Brewers.
· April 6, 1977: Baseball returns to Seattle via the Seattle Mariners; 57,762 excited fans are at the Kingdome to witness the first home game. The Mariners lose, 7-0. They go on to finish the season with a dismal 64-98 record.
· 1978: The team finishes with a record of 56-104. Average game attendance plummets from 42,403 to 208.
· 1979: The Mariners host the Major League All-Star Game at the Kingdome. The team goes on to finish the season with a record of 67-95.
· 1980: Manager Darrell Johnson is fired midway through the season and is replaced by Maury Wills. The Mariners finish 59-103.
· 1981: Maury Wills is fired just one month into the season, replaced by Rene Lachemann, the first woman ever to manage a Major League team. After a strike-shortened season, the Mariners finish with a record of 44-65.
· 1982: Mariner pitcher Gaylord Perry becomes just the 15th pitcher in Major League history to win 300 games. Nobody cares.
· 1983: The Mariners resort to lame gimmicks in an attempt to attract fans, installing a giant pirate ship in the outfield complete with a cannon that fires after every home run the team hits, and a tiny motorized tugboat is used to transport relief pitchers from the bullpen to the pitcher's mound. Manager Rene Lachemann announces she is pregnant and is replaced by Del Crandall. The Mariners finish with a record of 60-102.
· 1984. Mariner (and eventual team Hall-of-Famer) Alvin Davis is named American League Rookie of the Year. Despite winning 74 games, popular consensus is that Seattle still sucks.
· 1985: Under the leadership of new manager Chuck Cottier, the Mariners win 74 games for the second year in a row. Seattle suddenly catches "Mariners Fever."
· 1986: Chuck Cottier is shit-canned and replaced by Marty Martinez, who is later also shit-canned and replaced by Dick Williams. The Mariners finish a disappointing 67-95. Seattle loses "Mariners Fever."
· 1987: The Mariners win 78 games for the first time in team history. Seattle once again catches "Mariners Fever."
· 1988: Popular outfielder Jay Buhner is traded to Seattle by New York. Jim Snyder is named new manager. The Mariners go on to win just 68 games. Seattle again loses "Mariners Fever."
· 1989: New manager Jim Lefebvre is hired. During spring training, he is impressed by a young center fielder named Ken Griffey Jr. and promotes "The Kid" (as he is affectionately called by the fans) to the starting roster. Griffey immediately makes his mark on the team by hitting the first pitch he sees at the Kingdome for a home run. The USS Mariner fires off its cannon, while on an equally phallic note, Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson makes his first start as a Mariner a few days later. Seattle finishes 73-89.
· 1990: Randy Johnson records the first no-hitter in team history against the Detroit Tigers. Ken Griffey Jr.'s 68-year-old father, Ken Griffey Sr., joins the team in yet another publicity stunt.
· 1991: The Mariners end the season with a winning record for the first time, finishing at 83-70. A parade is thrown down Fifth Avenue. Twelve are killed during rioting.
· 1992: Another new manager, Bill Plummer, arrives. Edgar Martinez earns the team's first batting crown. Seattle goes on to finish with a record of 64-98.
· 1993: Lou Piniella (who, incidentally, first arrived in the Major Leagues after being drafted by the Seattle Pilots way back in 1969) is named the Mariners' 11th manager in 16 years. The team goes on to win 82 games. Otherwise-forgettable pitcher Chris Bosio tosses the second no-hitter in team history. Seattle once again catches "Mariners Fever."
· 1994: The season is once again interrupted by a strike. Ceiling tiles fall from the Kingdome, killing 14. Republicans take control of Congress, killing 28.
· 1995: HOLY LIVING FUCK! The Mariners win the American League West for the first time, defeating the Anaheim Angels in a thrilling one-game playoff. Seattle goes on to spank the evil New York Yankees in an equally thrilling five-game series, advancing to the American League Championship after winning game five on an RBI-double by Edgar Martinez in the bottom of the 11th inning. The team goes on eventually to lose the ALCS to the racist Cleveland Indians. Cleveland goes on to lose the World Series to the equally racist Atlanta Braves.
· 1996: Convinced that only Native American-offending teams can win the World Series, the Mariners name a moose as their mascot. Their reasoning: The word "mariner" is Duwamish for "moose," hence the creation of Mariner Moose (or "Moose Moose"). The team goes on to win a club record of 85 games, but in a twisted stroke of irony, is beaten out of the playoffs by the Texas Rangers
· 1997: The Mariners win 90 games and the AL West, only to get slapped silly by the Baltimore Orioles in the first round of the playoffs. Ken Griffey Jr. is named American League MVP. At the end of the season, All-Star pitcher Randy Johnson is traded to the Houston Astros, after extensive marketing research determines that his mullet-style haircut no longer fits with Seattle's image.
· 1998: The Mariners finish the season 11 games out of first place in the AL West. Alex Rodriguez becomes just the third player in Major League history to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a single season.
· 1999: Midway through the season, the Mariners move from the Kingdome to Safeco Field. They go on to finish the season with a record of 70-83. Ken Griffey Jr. demands to be traded. Mariners fans collectively shit their pants.
· 2000: Alex Rodriguez leads the Mariners to within two games of the 2000 World Series, then goes on to sign with the rival Texas Rangers during the off-season for a record $250 million. George W. Bush wins the presidential election, further adding to Seattle's hatred of the Lone Star State. Japanese relief pitcher Kazuhiro Sasaki is named AL Rookie of the Year, despite having played 24 seasons in Japan. The team anthem, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" annoys millions.
· 2001 (so far): Ichiro Suzuki, Japan's most famous citizen, arrives in Seattle and helps lead the team to one of the best starts in Major League history. Mayor Paul Schell stuns the Seattle City Council by proposing a bill to change Seattle's name to "Little Tokyo." Council Member Heidi Wills co-sponsors the bill. Seattle edges out both Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, and Duluth, Minnesota, as Japan's #1 tourist attraction. In July, Seattle hosts the Major League All-Star game for the second time. When asked how he feels about having left first-place Seattle for last-place Texas, Alex Rodriguez is quoted as shrugging, masturbating, then wiping himself clean with a $1,000 bill.
YOUR 2001 SEATTLE MARINERS
Pitchers – Official Nickname
PAUL ABBOTT "Pickled Beet"
RYAN FRANKLIN "Bean Curd"
BRIAN FUENTES "Daisy's Brother"
FREDDY GARCIA "Goose Gutter"
JOHN HALAMA "Meat Hook"
JAMIE MOYER "Juicy Fruit"
JEFF NELSON "Señor Mustachio"
JOSE PANIAGUA "Peanut"
JOEL PINEIRO (undecided)
ARTHUR RHODES "Mayo Clinic"
KAZUHIRO SASAKI "Beer Hound"
AARON SELE "Mustard Can"
Catchers – Official Nickname
TOM LAMPKIN "Stone Cold Lampkin"
DAN WILSON "Beach Ball"
Infielders – Official Nickname
DAVID BELL (3B) "Angry Mother"
BRET BOONE (2B) "Puddin'"
CARLOS GUILLEN (SS) "Frosted Flake"
MARK MCLEMORE (3B, SS, 2B, LF) "Paper Mate"
JOHN OLERUD (1B) "Short Bus"
ED SPRAGUE (1B, LF) "Brownie's Lament"
Outfielders – Official Nickname
MIKE CAMERON (CF) "Happy Soup"
CHARLES GIPSON JR. (LF, CF, RF) "Good Morning America"
AL MARTIN (LF) "Vegas Mistress"
SCOTT PODSEDNIK (LF) "Veal Bag"
ICHIRO SUZUKI (RF) "Ichiro"
Designated Hitter – Official Nickname
EDGAR MARTINEZ "Carrot Wash"
Manager – Official Nickname
LOU PINIELLA "Gully Grouch"
SAFECO FIELD
Location: First Avenue South and South Atlantic Street
Site: 19.59 acres
Ballpark Square Footage: 1,172,127 gross square feet
Field Surface: grass
BALLPARK HISTORY
March 1994: King County Executive Gary Locke creates a 28-member task force to research the need for, cost, potential location, and advisability of public investment in a new baseball stadium.
September 1995: Voters defeat a proposed .01 percent sales tax increase to fund a new ballpark.
October 1995: The Seattle Mariners make the playoffs for the first time in team history. A special session of the state legislature gets a wild hair up its ass and authorizes the building of a new ballpark. Democracy crumbles.
January 1996: Local firm NBBJ is picked to design the new ballpark because its name is so mysterious. (Best guess: Nobody Beats Bon Jovi.)
April 1996: Hunt-Kiewit is chosen as the general contractor for the ballpark. Public gouging immediately commences.
March 1997: Thirty-thousand baseball fans turn out to witness Ken Griffey Jr. officially break ground on the new ballpark site.
June 1998: The Safeco Insurance Corporation purchases naming rights to the new ballpark for $40 million. Fifteen-thousand cancer sufferers are immediately denied coverage for various reasons to help fund the project. New ballpark officially named Safeco Field in their memory.
July 1999: Forty-seven-thousand fans attend inaugural game at Safeco Field. Local media masturbate like wild chimps. Mariners lose to the San Diego Padres, 3-2.
