Does thisdescribe your last cookout? You're slaving over a pitiful 18-inch Weber, breathing carcinogenics, while your significant other nags about how you should be keeping the hamburgers separate from the tofu pups, because Trish and Randy are vegans. You are truly miserable, and adding to your misery are the lusty cheers of your lesbian neighbors. See, unlike you, your lesbian neighbors are happy, because your lesbian neighbors are throwing a PIG ROAST."Why should those lesbians have all the fun?!" you squeal, stomping your foot effeminately. Well, lesbians deserve their fun because they know that roasting a 120-pound hog in a pit always beats a grill full of shriveled weenies. However, you don't have to be a delicious dyke to cook a pig (though it certainly helps!). By following these simple directions, you can roast up a backyard porker that would make Charity Bono yelp, "Oh my lord, that's some mighty fine hog!"

PICK YER PIG

Yay! A trip to the slaughterhouse (there are several in the area -- check the phone book)! Tell 'em you want a 75-120 pound pig (figure on a pound of hog per person), leaving on the tail, head, and feet. In pig cookin', aesthetics COUNT. Ask them to dress it (unless you feel like digging around inside the guts for kidneys and icky tubes).

Build Yer Pit...with cinder blocks! Make it two blocks high, five blocks long, and three blocks wide, lining the bottom with heavy-duty freezer foil. Spread out eight to 10 bricks on the bottom of the pit, and cover with a wire screen (this is where you put your coals). Now, place two steel rods on top of the blocks stretching across the pit, and cover with a steel grate. Ellen DeGeneres recommends covering the grate with PAM™ no-stick cooking spray.

Slap on the Hawg Start up five pounds of charcoal in a separate Weber (this is where your never-ending supply of hot coals comes from). Now comes the fun part: breaking the pig's back. Take an ax and hammer and split the backbone, so the hog can lay flat, stomach-down, on the grate. Be careful not to cut the skin, lest you endanger your party with a life-taking grease fire.

One reason for having lesbians handy at a pig roast is their super-human strength. That's what you'll need (or at least a crowbar) to pry open the hog's mouth, and insert the required apple. Plop that porker on the grill, and (if desired) decorate it to resemble Rush Limbaugh or Dan Savage.

Cook That Sow Besides super-strength, another lesbian virtue is PATIENCE. Without it, your hog will surely ruin. With a small shovel, place NO MORE THAN two or three small piles of hot coals under each ham and shoulder. Replenish the coal in the Weber, and add more coal to the hog every 40 minutes. For a hog this size it takes 24 hours to cook properly, and it must be done oh-so-SLO-OH-OH-OWLY. According to pig-roasting expert Janet Reno, "You'll end up using about a pound of charcoal per pound of hog." Wise words from our attorney general.

And Now a Word about Trichinosis You hear a lot of breeders whining about the dangers of trichinosis -- no wonder they're so lousy at oral sex! Actually, thanks to modern developments in hog slop, trichinae are a clinical rarity, and are killed at temperatures over 137 degrees. And since your ideal temp is 160, there's nothing to worry about, is there?

The Melissa Etheridge Way Want your first hog roast to go off without a hitch? Then heed the following schedule, as conceived by rocker Melissa Etheridge from her celebrity cookbook, Porker? I Hardly Know Her! (Doubleday, $14.95).

"The girls are arriving Saturday at 5:00? Then you'll want to get the hog on the grill no later than 4:30 or 5:00 on FRIDAY. Periodically replace the coals until around 11:00 p.m. Friday night. Then put a large piece of cardboard over the hog (only touching the ears and feet), and over this place a small tarp. This makeshift oven will cook your pig to juicy, succulent perfection! (Make sure someone stands guard over the hog, or better yet, have an all-night sing-a-long!)

"At around 9:00 a.m. Saturday morning, you'll want to turn the pig. Rosie O'Donnell excels at this, and she does it by sliding the pig to the side of the grill and turning it all at once (watch that you don't break the legs!). Replace the tarp, and distribute coals around the edges to reduce the risk of drippy grease fires. By 5:00 p.m., the strong jaws of the cooked pig will have snapped the apple in two, signifying it's time to eat some swine! Using heavy rubber gloves, simply pull the meat off, serve, and enjoy! And don't forget: Leftover pork will be a great addition at next week's potluck!"

Too true, Melissa! So don't be daunted by the task of cooking your own pig -- according to most lesbians, even a heterosexual can do it. Remember, in the words of famous pork enthusiast Eleanor Roosevelt, "The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give." And regardless of sexual preference, nothing says "giving" like a fat, juicy pig. It's something we can all get behind.

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