It's so unbearably annoying when animals try to do human things. Like, who do animals think they are? People? Surf's Up (gosh, what shall we title our surfing movie?) takes place in a weird, perverted world where penguins are the new humans. The penguins talk, get sunburned, engage in shenanigans, and have feelings and hairdos and tribal tattoos. Though in real life, penguins have small brains and little time for recreational sports, the penguins in Surf's Up care only for surfing.

Cody Maverick (Shia LaBeouf) is a 17-year-old bumpkin penguin and aspiring surfer from Antarctica who lives in an igloo with his mom and fat brother (Brian Posehn, ruling, as usual). He hops aboard a whale one day at the behest of a small gay bird (voiced by small gay human Mario Cantone), a talent scout for the Big Tropical Penguin Surf-Off.

Surf's Up should be worse. The documentary structure (you're telling me penguins can build video cameras but not boats?) makes for funny, stretchy dialogue. The animated ocean is scary and gorgeous. Plus, some scoundrel managed to cast all of my favorite actors: LaBeouf (he will be my child bride), Posehn, Zooey Deschanel, Jeff Bridges, and voice-acting genius Diedrich Bader.

But while I'm certain that surfing is awesome to do, it is sooo boring to think about. I don't ever want to be around a surfer unless he's really, really hot and doesn't talk. Unfortunately, not only are penguins incapable of hotness, they apparently never shut up. Surf's Up also suffers from an implied otter penis and a weirdly geriatric soundtrack (311? Sugar Ray? For reals?), and it takes the time—from a scant 85 minutes—to emphasize that male penguins hatching eggs is gayer than Rip Taylor's mustache. (Gotcha, gays!)

Confidential to animated penguins: fuck you. Confidential to hot surfers: call me.

editor@thestranger.com