Clickety-clack captions are the signature device of Hollywood action movies. They tell us where we are (Destination: Hussein International Airport), what time it is (11:19 p.m.), and other really useful things, like what super-secret government keyboards sound like when pressed, or âclackedâ (clack, clack). They also tell you at what caliber the film is operating, which in Green Zoneâs case is level Not as Good or Smart or Thrilling as It Thinks It Is and Matt Damon Has a Face Like an Old Manâs Foot and Itâs Distracting.
Green Zone pretends to identify itself as a smart manâs action movie, but in reality the clickety-clack captions are a good indication that the film lacks any real political spine. Damonâs foot-faced âchiefâ is confused right from the get-go where the Hezbollah all these supposed weapons of mass destruction are. Goddamn it, theyâre sending him and his men on a gall-danged Easter-egg hunt, and theyâre showing up empty-handed! When Chief Foot Face says things like, âYouâre wasting my menâs time,â he sounds vaguely Southern, but when Chief Foot Face says things like, âGet your game face on,â he sounds vaguely Bostonian, as in, âGit yeh game face awn.â Come on, Captain Foot Face, do you have to fill the shoes of every archetypal war character?
The plotâoutside of the old the-U.S.-government-lied-to-us-even-the-good-guys-and-the-press-is-stupid-and-not-all-Arabs-are-tricky-but-um-they-actually-are-even-the-humble-helpful-gimpy-one-who-hobbles-around-on-an-artificial-leg formulaâdoesnât accomplish much in the way of historicity. A vaguely Bushie administrator, played by Greg Kinnear, squints through his conservative-guy glasses as the world is told, âMission accomplished,â but who his real-life character is supposed to be remains fuzzy. Is he Rumsfeld? And Amy Ryanâs Washington Post journalistâis she standing in for some real-life Gap-wearing journalist? Or, wait, do I care? Answer: no.