The Whore on Christmas
So you want to give yourself a little Christmas bonus, huh? There are plenty of pretty girls and boys who'd be happy to deliver you some holiday joy, if you just plan it right. Here's how to do it:
• Plan ahead. Contacting the sex worker of your choice several days before Christmas vastly increases the odds of you getting time with them.
• When talking to the sex worker, acknowledge that it's mildly unusual to want a December 25 appointment, but don't go on and on justifying yourself. We understand that cocks get hard 365 days a year. We pretty much count on that.
• Timing is the thing. It's rare enough to find sex workers who do morning gigs any other day of the year, but you are really not going to get a prenoon date on Christmas.
• Part of our job description is to make people feel better. But if you're always so depressed on Christmas that you need a Prozac candy cane, please do not call us.
• Don't wear your Santa hat to bed.
• Even if you don't tip the rest of the year, on Christmas Day, you really need to tip. It doesn't have to be a huge amount, although that's always nice. Even 20 percent will lift you out of "chintzy asshole" territory, and tipping more will make you someone's Saint Nicholas.
• If you do wear your Santa hat to bed, then you should definitely leave a bigger tip. Call it the not-laughing-at-you surcharge.
• If you've seen the girl or guy before and you two have a friendly relationship, then having a present under the tree for them can be a sweet gesture. (Hint: A lot of escorts' websites have wish lists.) If your appointment is with someone you've never met before, then a wrapped gift would be sort of odd, although certainly not the worst thing you can do.
• The worst thing you can do: opening your door to a visiting sex worker wearing only a bow wrapped around your genitals. (And yes, that really happens.)
• Did I mention tipping?