RAD at Re-bar
ATTENTION! Your orders for the week begin as follows: On Wednesday, July 7, you will advance upon Re-bar at precisely 10:00 p.m. After paying a nominal door charge of NOTHING, you will advance the cause of The Gay People by drinking. And dancing. A lot. There is a chance you will fracture your hips swiveling to the devastatingly sexy '80s-retro beats of the famous MC QUEEN LUCKY; DJ FREDDY, KING OF PANTS; and TONY BURNS, but I want you all to know this: It's totally worth it, because '80s music gets you laid. No exceptions. Re-bar, 9:30 pm, free, 21+.
PENETRATION at Unicorn
THIS IS AN INVASION! Intel has revealed that this event, which is an afterparty for the Blitz Capitol Hill Arts Walk (gay!), is "the best party on the hill right now." It is not necessarily a "gay" thing. Therefore, our mission is clear: It must be ours! Prism glasses will be provided, psychedelic visual spectacle assured. ADVANCE! Unicorn, 9 pm, free, 21+.
RUMPSHAKER! at Chop Suey
Your goal: Locate two scorching hawt boys. The first, code name "Huggy B," is recognized by his glistening pecs and excessive bling. His partner, code name "Sh*t Damn Hella," aka Shannon Carroll, is the "King of the Homocore Dance Party." Your mission is to corner them after their live performance and tweak and otherwise stimulate their exposed nipples. Report back here at 0400 hours. (Also: Luxury A.K., Queerbait, Amoania & the Shitbags, and DJ sets by Nark—do not let this distract from your objective! Nipples! NIPPLES!) Chop Suey, 8 pm, $8 adv/$10 DOS, 21+.
HEARTBREAK HOTEL at Chop Suey
The debrief: This queercentric event started as a simple monthly house party that spilled over into the streets. It has morphed, moved indoors, and carries on at Chop Suey. Last month's crowd was pathetically sparse, which pissed me off—so, your mission: FILL THE PLACE UP! With Lady Jane DJ and DJ Mixxtress. Chop Suey, 9 pm, $7 before 11 pm/$10 after, 21+.