You wanna know how I am? Well, let me tell you! I am very, very angry! When I signed on to write "How Now, Chairman Mao?" for this paper, I was informed my column would be running every week. And now I find out I have to alternate with a stupid hillbilly ["That Thar's My-a Pinyon!," Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy]?!?! Do the editors think the idiotic ramblings of an inbred idiot are interesting to anyone other than the editors? Well, no they are not! Hillbillies are rarely known for their ability to write "news editorials." However, they are known for sleeping in the dirt, drinking themselves into unconsciousness, and spreading infectious diseases. Is this the kind of person we want to represent our community? Are the idiotic ramblings of an inbred idiot relevant to society? Well, no they are not!
Now, I may not be a "political commentator" but I believe I furnish "the people" with information they need to hear. Like where you can get a good BLT. Or, where you can pick up videos. Or, the finer shoe cobblers in town. Stuff like that. This is important information. Not gazing amorously at barnyard animals or screaming "Jezzy Joo-Belle, Ah Loves Yeww!" as my over-esteemed colleague is likely to do. Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy is a big stupid jerk, and I don't see why anybody likes him.
Your true friend,
Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy
We'll Let YOU Decide! Call 323-7101, ext. 3099 (after 6:00 p.m. only, 7 days a week) and cast your vote for who writes the better column. The winner will keep his job! The loser will be fired! "The people" will emerge victorious!--eds.