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Sailing

For us poors, learning how to sail seems as glitzy and impractical as having our teeth replaced by diamonds. Thankfully, a nonprofit sailing group in Magnuson Park, Sail Sand Point, offers sailing classes for adults and teens, as well as relatively cheap sailboat rentals (cheaper than a new set of pointy diamond teeth, at the very least). Sailing classes will also put you in a strong position for the world's upcoming class wars, when food supplies run dangerously low and the rich are forced to take to the seas and follow the migratory patterns of their favorite caviar to survive. (Sail Sand Point, in Magnuson Park, sailsandpoint.org) CIENNA MADRID

Badminton

Badminton is booming. In gyms and community centers around Seattle, people are jumping, lunging, and swatting at feathered shuttlecocks with elegant fury. This isn't your lazy lawn game—this is serious sport. The badminton revival has come to America from Asia, partly thanks to YouTube. (Our TV stations tend to favor tennis.) Check out badminton clubs.org to find the sessions nearest you, and prepare to get your ass kicked. Take it from Joyce Jones, an international badminton champ from Seattle who's now in her 80s but still plays competitively: "I'm a national champion in tennis, too—but it still doesn't give me as big a workout!" (Check your local community center for schedules, badmintonclubs.org) BRENDAN KILEY

Golf Stoned

Nothing a human being does is more absurd than golfing. It is so artificially patrician—and comically theatrical—to assume a royal golfing posture, corkscrew your arms back, and whack the fuck out of a tiny Epcot Center. That is, nothing is sillier than doing all that stoned. Everyone nearby is very, very serious about this golfing business. And they are all very sober about the matter. But not you—you're baked. You are grinning because you're golfing. You don't have to be good at golf, you don't have to play by the rules, you don't even have to walk from hole to hole. Just go to the driving range—get stoned first, of course—and aim for anything you feel like. Assume the posture, twist back, whack away. A bucket of 102 balls at the Interbay Golf Center is just $10! Note to the wise: Stretch first. (For a directory of nearby locations, check out Premier Golf: premiergc.com) dominic holden

Croquet

For a genteel-seeming lawn sport involving colorful balls and the cute word "wicket," croquet really brings out the aggressive side of people. It's all very civilized, until it suddenly isn't: Who can pass up the opportunity to smack another person's ball to kingdom come? Then there are retaliations to mete out, alliances to form and subsequently break, drinks to keep drinking. Some friends have a croquet party every summer, and it's become the social event of the season. Last year, one guy even brought his own larger-sized custom-made mallet. Isn't that cheating? (A yard or park near you; croquet set prices vary) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Horseshoes

Leave the marathons to the maniacal, and spend your summer engaging in some more easygoing athletics. Playing horseshoes is fun and very competitive. Woodland Park and Lincoln Park both have horseshoe pits for you to hone your throwing skills. BYOH. The park setting relaxes your mind, and when the shoe circles the stake and you get a ringer, it is very gratifying. If you want to learn more, the Seattle Horseshoe Club (seattlehorseshoeclub.org) meets Tuesdays at 5 p.m. at Woodland Park (you can use their horseshoes), and play is free. (Woodland Park, 1000 N 50th St; Lincoln Park, 8011 Fauntleroy Way SW; seattle.gov/parks) GILLIAN ANDERSON

Inner Tubing

The only thing more fun than swimming in a river is not swimming in a river. Why do all that limb flapping when you can relax on a squishy fun-doughnut and let the water do all the work for you? Inner tubing is one of the simplest water activities (it's like sitting, only easier somehow)—even if your tube is pulled by a boat, all you really need is a life jacket and the ability to hold on! Pick up a state-of-the-art inner tube with a cup holder, or stop by a tire shop and they just might give you a simple one. The rivers Skykomish, Wenatchee, Yakima, Snoqualmie, Cowlitz, and Skagit are all floatable, beautiful, and close. (Washington State rivers, inner tubes $0–$100) EMILY NOKES