Now that you're here, you've probably been inundated with pamphlets and handouts telling you all about the thrilling world of higher education. Let's dispense with all that and just say welcome to college... suckers. And welcome to How To, a handy guide to help ease your transition into the intoxicating freedom and heavy responsibility that comes with leaving the nest. Inside you will find helpful advice about all the things collegians care about most: drugs, sex, rock 'n' roll, alcohol, plagiarism, liberal paranoia, grammar, dropping out, and more. You'll also find a big list of useful phone numbers and a big map of Seattle's neighborhoods (suitable for wall hanging). All this information was lovingly prepared for you by The Stranger, your new best friend, and the only paper in Seattle that isn't ridiculous and irrelevant™.

The Stranger comes out every Thursday (late Wednesday in some parts), with news, reviews, features, and funny business, as well as the most reliable calendar in town for live music, film, theater, art, readings, and other Godless wastes of your valuable study time.

So, welcome. Enjoy. And remember: Your mama don't want you back the way she sent you. SEAN NELSON