Send legible confessions, apologies, and accusations of 400 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to "I, Anonymous," c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., 3rd floor, Seattle WA 98122, or e-mail us at FUNGUS AMONG USSeveral weeks ago, you were staying at a motel in Seattle and found a nice pair of men's shoes in the laundry room. You decided to steal them, replacing them with your purple suede shoes, which were a size too small for me and looked goofy as hell. I had to walk around Seattle in your uncomfortable and ugly purple shoes. Well, guess what? I've been waiting weeks to tell you this, and now it's far too late for you to stop my revenge.

Have your feet started to itch? Maybe stink more than usual? As it turns out, I have a particularly strong form of foot fungus that my podiatrist says is medicine-resistant. Oh, did I mention it's contagious? My feet stink so badly that once at a party my friends poured brandy into my shoes and put them out on the porch. Are there any white, round spots on your feet yet? These are the beginnings of plantar warts--big, nasty, painful warts with holes in the top. I have to get them burned off every six weeks or they get too painful to walk on. These warts are caused by a virus, by the way, and it's highly contagious as well. I have the most fucked-up feet you'll ever see, and soon, shoe-thief--so will YOU! MWA-HA-HA-HA!