Send your unsigned legible confessions and accusations of 400 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to "I, Anonymous," c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle WA 98122, or e-mail us at anonymous@thestranger.com.

Recently, my girlfriend and I were arguing when you arrived at our door with a beer in your hand. You helped settle our differences -- and for that, I thank you. However, when she made a joke about her vibrator, you quickly snatched it out of her hands and jammed it into your pocket. We both told you not to take it, and you assured us you wouldn't.

Well, I guess you lied, because when we awoke the next morning we found you had taken it as a gift to your girlfriend. Do you realize what a white-trash move that was? You do not steal a USED vibrator and then present it to your lady as the gift of the century! But here's my question: Does your girlfriend have any IDEA that she's pleasuring herself with a used vibrator that wasn't even clean?

I don't want you in my house again. Why? Because we also use condoms, and for all I know, you'll try to steal the used ones. And since my girlfriend also wears sexy underwear, the last thing I want is you lifting those for your old lady (or yourself!).

Hope you're both enjoying that old dirty vibrator, and if the two of you ever decide to get married, I hope you won't have any trouble finding the perfect double-wide trailer.

-- Anonymous