I will start with a list of grievances.

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(1) You continually lock me out of my own bathroom. Three times a week is too often for you to "forget" to unlock the bathroom door that we share, and if you really are that stupid, write yourself a note or something, you whore.

(2) Those long black hairs you leave on the bathroom floor. I know it's from your head, but I'll be damned if I will live the rest of this year peeling black hair off of my bare feet while I curse every inch of your stupid, cheap-perfume-scented body.

(3) You used my soap. What, did you think I wouldn't know it was you? I don't use your candy-scented bodywash (because I'm not 13).

(4) Your voice. It's awful.

(5) The following sticky note that you left on the bathroom mirror: "I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days—three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." I don't know who initially wrote this, but those words are as repulsive to me as dead puppies. Fuck you.

Now that I've stated my grievances, I'll tell you what's going to happen next. I'm fucking evil. That cereal you always eat? Whenever I sweep, I will put the dirt into your cereal box. I will rip your laundry into pieces while it's still in the dryer ("Our dryer is awful!"). I will put nail-polish remover into your shampoo. I will rip out the last pages of every book you are reading. You have been warned. recommended