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I've also peed in your mineral water, your orange juice, your coffee creamer, and once or twice, I may have peed in your leftovers. Not enough to completely drench the food and get it all soggy or anything, but enough to ensure a nice, light soaking. I've been doing this on and off for the past six months. Maybe a little longer. It brings me great pleasure. If I had to guess, I'd say you've consumed probably two or three pints of my urine. Don't worry, urine is sterile and completely harmless. And I mostly made sure I wasn't giving you any particularly rank pee. Not even you deserve a mouthful of asparagus-scented piss.

It's a wonder you never sensed anything afoul. Did you think your wine bottles were magically producing more wine when you weren't looking? Did you never notice that your juice had just the slightest, salty hint to it? You did make it kind of easy for me. You're always half in the bag so you notice very little, anyhow.

You should really be more considerate toward the people you live with. Really, you should.

I have to go pee now.