Dear Tweakers: Hi, I'm your friendly Chevron cashier. I let you spend over a half-hour in my store, playing Mystery Bingo scratch tickets and making a god-awful mess on my counter. I give you my spare change when you haven't got enough for a pack of smokes. I smile and tell you to "have a nice day" as you walk out the door, twitching and picking at yourself the whole way.

Since I feel that I've been incredibly kind, I have a few requests. Please stop leaving your paraphernalia in the store's bathroom.

We have a limit on how many bottles of HEET one person can purchase. And no, I do not sell those "little tubie things with the roses in them," or boxes of ephedrine--or torch lighters, for that matter. The mirror in the bathroom does NOT detach from the wall, and I'd appreciate it if you refrained from hiding your razors in the paper-towel dispenser. I almost cut myself one night when I was cleaning.

My co-workers and I know who you are. We're not stupid. Some of us are former meth addicts ourselves, and, at times, take pity upon you. However, many of you are far too obvious to be out in public. If there is something you require from us, please send a sober friend, or at least someone who HASN'T ingested an eight-ball. Thanks.