I'm the guy you see walking the big, beautiful Great Dane around Capitol Hill. Many of you treat me with respect, but some of you have gone so far as to call me an asshole because I won't stop and play 20 Canine Questions with you.

Am I really such an objectionable human being because I won't stop and give you a dissertation on what life with a Great Dane is like? Did you ever stop to think that some days I'm not in the best of moods? That my main objective is to exercise my dog? I don't give a flying fuck if your kids have never seen "such a big dawgie" before! (And by the way, I've heard every horse joke imaginable.)

Since you're all just busting to know everything there is to know about my dog, here you go: He weighs 120 pounds. He's three years old. He's nearly six feet tall when he stands on his hind legs. I chose not to crop his ears. We live in a big house but the yard is unfenced, so he stays indoors. He goes through a 40-pound bag of food each month, he takes really big dumps, and no, I don't have a saddle for him.

Further information about Great Danes can be obtained from the Internet or your local library. Now leave us the fuck alone.

--Anonymous