"THIS WEEK! Super agent Jack Bauer returns in another exciting, pants-wetting, testicle-dropping season of the Fox hit 24! (Sun Jan 15, 8 pm) DO... NOT... MISS... IT!!"

I'm really sick of scribbling TV columns and have decided to apply for the promo-writing job at Fox. Why? Because I'm AWWWESOMME! And I'm killing two birds with one stone by writing a column that doubles as a sample promo for Fox. Then they could see what a great promo writer I am, hire me on the spot, and fly me to California which is a magical land brimming with the purest cocaine, free roast-beef sandwiches, and disease-free prostitute robots who look like Jessica Alba. So without further ado...

Dear Fox Executives: You know who I am, so let's cut the chitty-chat. I want a cushy job in California; you want a promo guy who can write THE SHIT out of a Fox TV commercial—that "he" is "me" and as proof here's a sample promo for this week's season debut of 24.

Ka-BOOM! What's that sound? It's the shit-hot new season of 24 blowin' up in your FACE, yo! That's right, dick drip! Season numero FIVE-o is coming atcha, with all-new episodes featuring the world's oldest government ass-kicker, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland). "Whoopty-whoop, playa, whaaaaaaa?" I hear you scream. "But I thought Jack Bauer faked his own death last season, and retired forever!" Wrong, peehole! Jack is BACK in the government SHACK, with a dirty, dirty job that's wiggidy-WHACK! [Note to Fox executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "urban youth" demographic.]

Ka-POW! That's the sound of a famous foreign dignitary getting killed! RING-RING! WAH-WAH! That's the sound of Jack's old bosses calling him up and crying like LITTLE-BITTY BABIES to come back! BANG-BANG-BLEED-PLOP-SSSSSSSSS! And that's the sound of Jack opening up a can of bullet-poppin' whup-ass, blowing away every terrorist in sight, and then peeing into their open mouths if they give him any lip! [Note to Fox executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "angry white male (particularly my father)" demographic.]

THAT'S RIGHT, pantywaist! Get ready for TWO HOURS (HOURS, HOURS) OF NONSTOP ACTION (ACTION, ACTION)—and don't worry! Your favorite 24 characters are back, including Tony "Soul Patch" Almeida, Michelle "Nice Fun Bags" Dessler, Chloe "Not Hot, But Funny" O'Brien, and Audrey "Hot, But Has A Stick Up Her Bottom" Raines! And they're all gonna be kissing the sweet, old ass of JACK BAUER as he saves the useless lives of wimpy Americans like YOU in the most eye-popping, jaw-dropping, turtle-stomping, dope-smoking, antibacterial-soaping season of 24 YET!! Kaaaaaa-BOOOOOOOOOMMMM! AWWWWWWESOMMMME!

[Note to Fox executives: I'd like my first-week's paycheck and Jessica Alba robo-tute now, please.] recommended