I know... I know. In bitter times like these, when all you can see are flaccid Democrats, lying Republicans, and Downing Street memos, it's hard to say "Whoopee!!" about being an American. That's why, on this July 4th, we're going to take time to count our goddamn blessings! Blessing #1: We're not French! Blessing #2: American girls dig hot tubs! Blessing #3: Beer is cheap and plentiful! Blessing #4: We have a "free press" that mercilessly harasses celebrities like Tom Cruise and Britney Spears on a daily basis! Blessing #5: Porn is cheap and plentiful! Blessing #6: Jessica Alba! Blessing #7: Though the justice system doesn't really work, it does work if you're Michael Jackson! Blessing #8: Very dangerous fireworks! Blessing #9: Freedom of religion and the freedom to laugh at other stupid religions, like Scientology!
I could go on and on, and probably will at some juncture, but my point is this: though being an American may currently be god-awful, being a Canadian is ALWAYS worse. (Don't believe me? Fine, go ahead and move. But I have two words for you, my friend: METRIC SYSTEM.)
Need further proof that America is truly the land of opportunity? Take convicted felon and former R&B pop star Bobby Brown—he's getting his own reality show! Why? Because this is AMERICA... and in AMERICA even a herpes sore could get a reality show (if the sore had good representation). Anyway, the show is called Being Bobby Brown and debuts Thursday, June 30, at 10:00 p.m. on Bravo. Yes, I know Bravo is the "gay" channel... but gays LOVE watching a train wreck, and Being Bobby Brown is like watching a careening train loaded with crazy heterosexual drug fiends.
For those in need of a refresher course, Bobby Brown was originally in the boy band New Edition (AWESOME!), and then became an international solo hit with songs like "My Prerogative" (AWESOME!), and the theme for Ghostbusters II (again, AWESOME!). Then he married superstar Whitney Houston—and almost immediately his life took the express lane into the toilet. Here's a short list of the various charges brought against him since 1993: indecent exposure, assault and battery, drunk driving, spousal abuse (charges dropped), sexual battery (charges dropped), drunk driving (again), cocaine possession, marijuana possession, speeding, and roughly 20,000 missed court dates. Wow! He's like a walking episode of Law & Order!
Not only does the new series follow him into the courtroom, it provides much needed information as to what Bobby and his doped-up bride do for fun on a daily basis. (Answer: Eat a lot of pancakes, apply Preparation H to their baggy eyelids, and in one truly frightening scene, Bobby demonstrates how many fingers he used to manually relieve Whitney's constipation. Say it with me, "EWW!")
Besides, only in America can you hire your own camera crew, create a reality show about yourself, and then make a ton of money selling it to a cable network like Bravo. And that is Blessing #10. Blessing #11: Chickens that play musical instruments. Blessing #12: Sex is cheap and plentiful (at least in the United States of Humpy). ■