Screw television. I'm renaming this column "I Vicodin." Normally I'm not a big fan of dental work—but if it inspires my dentist to ladle out bottles and bottles of these wonderful pills? Sign me up for root canals for the rest of the year!

You know, a lot of people complain about Vicodin, crying "Wah! Wah! Because of Vicodin, my wife left me!" or, "Wah! Wah! Because of Vicodin, I lost my job!" But so far it's done nothing but help my career. As it turns out, a couple Vicodin and a tumbler of vodka makes this new season of TV shows not only bearable, but hella freakin' AWESOME! The new season of Joey? LOVE IT. Two thumbs up! That new reality show where Christian singer Amy Grant gives poor people three wishes? IT GAVE ME A BONER. Kudos to you, Amy Grant... and your generous pal, Jesus Christ. Before Vicodin came along I thought both of you were full of shit!

But anyhoo, the first week of October BLOWS when it comes to television. All the best shows have already debuted, and it's the last week of normal television before the baseball playoffs come along and ruin everything! But lucky for me, I have a nice big bottle of Vicodin standing at the ready, which will magically transport me to a colorful happy land where the following new shows won't suck hippo dick.

Night Stalker (ABC, Thurs Sept 29, 9 pm). Yes, this is based on one of Humpy's favorite shows of all time, originally starring that magnificent bastard Darren McGavin. In this version, reporter Carl Kolchak (Stuart Townsend) is young, hot, and sexy—and yet spends much of his time chasing down ghosties and vampires instead of bagging booty. HUMPY'S TAKE: Wildly mixed reviews make this one a coin toss, but I'm guessing it'll only take half a Vicodin to make it worth watching.

Close to Home (CBS, Tues Oct 4, 10 pm). Just when you were about to say, "Boy, I sure could go for another legal drama," your wish has been granted. Thankfully, this series delivers a slightly new twist: The prosecutor is a working Midwestern mom who cracks down on suburban creeps who commit domestic violence. HUMPY'S TAKE: The gasbags over at TV Guide LOVE this show, which means Humpy will HATE IT. However, I'll take two Vicodins and give it a shot.

Freddie (ABC, Wed Oct 5, 8:30). Witness former screen idol Freddie Prinze Jr.'s excruciatingly long fall to a crappy TV sitcom, in which he plays a chef controlled by the many women in his life. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. HUMPY'S TAKE: Hmmm... my dentist told me I really shouldn't take more than two of these things... oh, WHAT THE HELL! I love me some Freddie!

Related (WB, Wed Oct 5, 9 pm). Four very different sisters reunite to bicker, laugh, and learn to love each other all over again. HUMPY'S TAKE: Omigod. There's not enough Vicodin in the world to make me stomach this show! Quick! Call my dentist and see if he performs lobotomies!