God, I'M STARVING! And while it would be easy enough to simply take your advice and eat something, thanks to that skinny jerk Jared from the Subway commercials, I can't. Because I'm a great big FATASS!

For those not hep to the newest weight-losing cult, "Jared" is the spokesmodel for Subway sandwiches; a previously humongous tub of lard (clocking in at an awe-inspiring 425 pounds) who dropped to a svelte (but still pear-shaped) 180 pounds. His secret? Eating two Subway sandwiches a day for (brace yourself) a YEAR! I don't know about you, but I sincerely doubt the Viet Cong could've dreamed up a more elaborate torture!

Regardless! The corporate bigwigs at Subway caught wind of Jared's diet, made him their new mascot, and have featured him in umpteen commercials, where the slimmed-down Jared shows off the circus tent he used to wear for pants and crams turkey sandwiches down his gullet. Jared has become a national icon, inspiring at least 300 metabolically challenged fatsos per year (so sayeth Subway) to follow his righteous path. In fact, he's so popular that, according to a recent Gallup poll, more Americans can identify Jared than name who played in last year's Super Bowl (66 percent), and he even has better name recognition than Harry Potter (71 percent)!

But you wanna know the really disturbing part? I'd bet you monkey asses to doughnuts that if this Gallup organization were to ask people who had better name recognition, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey or Clay Henry, I'd be screwed! Well naturally YOU'VE heard of me, but on a national level Clay Henry (the formerly porky fireman and Jared disciple) would spank my well-padded heinie! The motherfreaker has his own theme song, for Chrissakes!

And just between you and me? I think "Clay Henry" is an incredibly thin and muscular FRAUD. Have you seen his "before and after" pictures? The "before" shot pictures some "El Tubbo" with dark hair and a beard, while this so-called "Clay Henry" person looks like Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV!

Anyhow, my point is that I'm STARVING, and thanks to Jared and Clay Henry, I feel like I'm in dire need of liposuction (and not the sexy kind)! But let me tell you one thing! I would rather STARVE than choke down two slimy turkey sandwiches a day. And that's why I'm once again resorting to the desperate type of measures that have served me so well in the past. In order to slaughter two birds with one proverbial stone, I've decided to become the spokesmodel for Hormel chili. I will consume nothing but two jumbo cans of Hormel chili with beans per day. Then after a yearlong bout of explosive diarrhea, I will weigh 78 pounds, be featured on a series of national commercials, and thusly acquire a cult of brainless followers just like YOU have, Jared! You thoughtless, thin son-of-a-bitch! We'll just SEE who kicks Harry Potter's ass next year!