Fine, since no one else will say it, I will: THERE AREN'T ENOUGH GIMP SUITS ON TELEVISION. Or anywhere else for that matter. For the fashionably ignorant, a "gimp suit" is a skintight rubber (sometimes leather) outfit that covers the entire body—including hands, feet, and head—that was originally popularized by the BDSM community and Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction ("Bring out the gimp!"). But don't forget! Nowadays, gimp suits can be worn practically anywhere: funerals ("Oh, no! My black suit's at the cleaners!"), at the gym ("Gonna make you sweat!"), and as entertainment at children's parties (clowns... gimps... what's the dif?).
Therefore, I'm extremely happy to introduce you to a show debuting next week that will regularly feature gimp suits, called American Horror Story (FX, Wed Oct 5, 10 pm). Though cocreated by Glee's Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, American Horror Story could not be more different from that big gay cupcake of a show. How so? It has gimp suits, for one! It also rarely breaks into song, though they do occasionally break into a person's head... with an ax. And the last time I checked, Glee didn't regularly feature Dylan McDermott's bare ass. (But I'll definitely check again.)
The plot: An unhappily married couple (Connie Britton and McDermott) and their teen daughter (Taissa Farmiga) are intent on pulling their family back together. Soooo... they move into a haunted house! After letting their real-estate agent have it for not mentioning the whole "multiple murder" thing, the family is forced to come to grips with a few of the house's "quirks": blood-squirting walls, a cellar filled with pickled baby parts, a shape-shifting maid (who thankfully shifts into something sexy), ghosts that actually kill people, a freakily insane next door neighbor (played by the amazing Jessica Lange), Dylan McDermott's bare ass, aaaaaand... what am I forgetting? OH!! A psychotic demon in a gimp suit! YAYYYY!!
However! Gimp suits aside, AHS is going to be a godsend for those who love campy, psychosexual horror, and, like Glee, it will also be practically impossible to sustain for more than a few episodes. So enjoy this batpoop-crazy show while you can!
But the point of this column isn't American Horror Story: It's gimp suits! And why you aren't wearing one! And why they aren't more prominently featured on every new show! For example...
• How to Be a Gentleman (CBS, debuts Thurs Sept 29, 8:30 pm): Always Sunny's David Hornsby is a fancy-pantsy dandy fop, and Entourage's Kevin Dillon is a testosteroney meathead saddled with the task of making Hornsby a "real man." Oh yeah? Trust me... "real men" wear gimp suits.
• Bedlam (BBCA, debuts Sat Oct 1, 10 pm): Note to real-estate developers: Stop converting shuttered lunatic asylums into haunted modern apartment complexes! That is all. WAIT! And wear more gimp suits. That is all.
• Homeland (Showtime, debuts Sun Oct 2, 10 pm): Claire Danes (My So-Called Life... SQUEEE!!) returns to TV playing a CIA agent who suspects a hero POW (Damian Lewis) is actually an Al Qaeda agent! Add Jordan Catalano in a gimp suit, and there won't be enough shelf space in the world to hold all the Emmys.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:00 CW H8R
In this episode, Kim Kardashian meets someone who hates her. (How on earth did they narrow it down?)
8:30 ABC SUBURGATORY
Debut! A sullen teen is whisked out of the city and into the suburbs, which gives her a LOT more to complain about.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 ABC CHARLIE’S ANGELS
The angels go undercover in the “fashion” industry—which is to say the nipple-showing lingerie industry.
8:30 NBC PARKS & RECREATION
Note: Ron’s first ex-wife (Tammy 1) should not be compared to Hitler. She’s more like Pol Pot.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
6:00 TOON BATMAN: BRAVE AND THE BOLD
Batman is concerned when his fellow superhero the Atom goes missing. (He’s tiny. Are you sure you didn’t step on him?)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1
9:00 COM WEIRD AL YANKOVIC LIVE
A live concert shot in Toronto featuring the best of Weird Al’s parody hits! Yesssssssssssss!!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Actress/comedian Melissa McCarthy hosts, with musical guests/hillbillies Lady Antebellum.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:00 PBS PROHIBITION
Debut! Documentarian Ken Burns’s history lesson about the prohibition era (aka the drunkiest era ever!).
9:00 SHO DEXTER
Season premiere! Dexter shows up to his high-school reunion intent on “confronting” the prom king. Uh-oh.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 FOX TERRA NOVA
Jim attempts to save the colony from pterosaurs… are those the ones that fly? Quick, get me Mary Traverse!
9:00 FOX HOUSE
Season premiere! Locked up in jail, Dr. House quickly learns that annoying prisoners leads to butt-hurting consequences.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4
8:00 FOX GLEE
Emma’s dad pays a visit… played by Happy Days’ Donny Most! (I thought they weren’t going to get any big stars this year.)
10:00 BRAVO MAD FASHION
Former reality-show contestant gets his own reality show—which will one day get its own reality show.
For sale: One slightly used gimp suit.